home-school-coach.com

5 Tips to Put Family first

by Mary Ann on July 16, 2015

In this national commercial adults are being treated in a way that makes them feel helpless, undervalued and frustrated, that makes them feel like children. When I saw this commercial, I like all of you, could relate to how that feels!

Then I had a second thought. Why would they use children to illustrate what all of us have felt as adults – it is because this IS how children are frequently treated! I know that as loving parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, even neighbors, we don’t mean to do this, but we do.

Get Your Family on the List

Let me give you a really good example of what it looks like when we treat our children in a way that leaves them feeling like the adults in this commercial.

One day I was sewing and this particular project had a deadline. Now I don’t like to sew. I am pretty good at it but it would be on the bottom of my relaxing and fun things to do list. So I was feeling some pressure.

My little 3 year old daughter, Sweet Marie, kept coming into the sewing room and interrupting me. “Mom, I need a drink.” Mom, I’m hungry.” “Mom, Barry is being mean.” Mom, Jenny won’t share.” I can tell you that this and the sewing was really wearing on my nerves. I was ready to spank her. After all she was really bugging me and she could see perfectly well that I was really busy! I decided that if she interrupted me again I was going to swat her.

Of course you know what happened. She came in again and I was ready to carry out my intention. Then I had a thought, “Why not hug her instead!” It wasn’t my thought! Remember, I had a firm intention to swat her. It took me by such surprise that I STOPPED what I was doing.

I turned my chair away from the sewing machine and I looked at my daughter. I picked her up and I hugged her really tight. I hugged her for about 15-20 seconds. I said, “Marie I LOVE you!” Then I put her down and off she went as happy as a clam.

She didn’t come back. Why! Watch that commercial again and it will be clear. The woman at the end is smiling and feeling really good because someone cares. She is on the list. She feels valued.

That is what happened for Sweet Marie and that was all that she really wanted in the first place – to be on the list, to be valued . Our children just want to be on our list, and in our busy life we sometimes erase them off. Oh, we cook the meals and clean and maintain order and manage our family, but our children and our relationship with them is not on the list. We often don’t make time to let them know that we “see” them, “hear” them, and value them.

Five Tips for Family Time

Here are 5 tips that will help you let your kids know that they have a place on your list. Here’s to happier summer days!

Take a hard look at your calendar – We all have good things on our calendar. However, are there so many goods that there isn’t room for the best – time with your children? Can you pare down the classes, lessons, team activities and community and church responsibilities? Ask yourself, “What happens if I/we don’t do this?” If you’re doing a task out of guilt or habit, take it off your calendar. Figure out what your priorities are and pursue those. Something has to give.

Involve the kids – I know, I know, it is simply easier, faster and more efficient to do things by yourself. But there are advantages to including your children a few times a week. Gardening together, folding laundry as a group and tidying up the yard as a unit are ways to kill two birds with one stone. If you make it fun it won’t seem like work, it will seem like a family activity.

Turn off your digital devices, ditch technology – just for a while. Have technology free moments everyday. For example, maybe you have a TV, computer and no phone hour just before bed. When you are willing to let go of technology for even short amounts of time you will be surprised at how much time you can open up for family.

Make a date with your family and then keep it. When things are planned they tend to happen. When they aren’t the world crowds in and they get put off. If you have a family evening once a week then consider that sacred time. If you decide to have a game night, don’t let anything else interfere. If you decide to walk one evening a week, make sure it happens. It doesn’t have to cost money, take a lot of time or preparation but you do need to be consistent. That will go a long way to saying, “You are on my list.”

Realize you won’t get everything done. A to-do list is unending. It will never get done. Laundry is forever, so is cleaning and cooking. The yard always has to be mowed and snow has to be shoveled. So lighten up a bit. Let some things go, short term, and make space for your family.

What strategies do you use to make time for your family? Please share!

If you like this post, please share it with your community by using one of the social share buttons.

Possibly Related Posts:

{ 0 comments }

Our Stories Shape Our Lives – Part 2

by Mary Ann on July 10, 2015

Do you ever feel like you do everything and everyone else in your family just sits by and watches! I know that feeling well. Last week I shared an example of how powerful our thoughts and the stories they create are in the happiness we experience in life. Today I want to share another example.

Currently there are two adults that live in my home, me and my husband, Don. Even though our children are out building their own lives, I am still taking care of most of the “family” stuff. I do most of the dishes, cook most of the meals, do most of the cleaning and all of the laundry.

Recently I decided that I needed a bit more help. I discovered that if I would put the laundry in a basket on the couch Don would get it folded. We had a conversation about meals and he determined that he would cook on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, my busiest days. He is vacuuming more often.

In the laundry room there is a clothes hanger. When outer clothes are washed they are usually taken straight out of the dryer and hung up. Saves on ironing! The challenge is getting the hung clothes from the laundry room to the bedroom closet.

After our talk about getting a bit more help around the house I noticed that Don was not only folding the laundry, if the basket was on the couch, but that he was also taking the hung clothes to the bedroom closet. That is, he was taking his clothes. I observed this phenomenon for quite a few weeks.

Each time I noticed that he had hung his clothes in the closet and that mine were still in the laundry room I would feel a slight twinge of irritation. After all, when I hung the clothes in the closet I would take them all, his and mine. After a few months I began to feel something besides irritation.

It was easy to begin to allow thoughts such as these to enter my mind: “What, doesn’t he think that I matter?” “If he really cared he would put all the clothes away.” “Is he just trying to make me mad?” I recognized this place – story land – and I have learned that there is very little happiness there.

Take Control, Don’t Allow Negative thoughts and Stories

So I did what I have learned to do, I wouldn’t allow those thoughts to fester in my mind and I asked him about it. “Don, when I put the hanging clothes away I put them all away, yours and mine. I noticed that when you put the hanging clothes away, you only put yours away. Is there a reason for that?”

You would laugh if you could have seen the look of confusion on his face. It was priceless and he said, “Well, don’t you have your clothes in some kind of order?” Boy, I got it right then and I began laughing. My closet would have been a maze to my husband. All of my clothes are hung by color and item. My new story – he was doing me a BIG favor by not hanging my clothes.

We have more control over our thoughts than we realize. We can choose which thoughts we are going to hold in our minds and which ones we are going to get rid of. It takes some work, but you can learn to control your thoughts and the stories that they create.

Good Relationships Flourish When Stories are Positive

When you hold thoughts about what you want rather than what you don’t want you can improve your family relationships in some major ways. Want to read an amazing example of how one mother completely changed her relationship with a “problem” child by simply changing her mental story about him? It will enlighten you and I hope get you to thinking about your stories and how they are affecting you family dynamics.

8 Steps To Take Control of Your Thoughts

Identify – Begin by identifying your daily negative thoughts. Write them down. Have a notebook that you keep track of them in or try journaling.
Say NO – Don’t allow the thought to stay and turn into a story.
Rewrite – Immediately change the negative thought into a positive one. For example, if you wake up thinking, “I am so tired!” immediately say out loud something like “I am going to have a terrific day.” You don’t have to believe it, just say it.
Vocabulary Counts – Use positive language. Not “I am not going to yell” but “I am calm.”
Facts not Assumptions – If you are having negative thoughts about an experience or a person don’t make assumptions, get more facts. Ask!
Benefit of the doubt – It helps to believe that people are doing the best they can. They usually are even when it doesn’t look like it.

Do you want a tool to help you begin taking control of your daily thoughts? If you do, make a comment below and I will send you a handout that will get you going on the road to better family relationships.

If you like this post, please share it with your community by using one of the social share buttons.

Possibly Related Posts:

{ 0 comments }

Our Stories Shape Our Lives!!

by Mary Ann on July 2, 2015

Stories shape our lives! I am talking about the stories we tell ourselves about other people, their motives, our children, what happens to us and so forth. These stories are written by what we think, our thoughts in pictures. I am a believer in this by experience, not theory.

In my one on one mentoring I often remind a parent that they have control over how something it is going to feel and look based on the story they tell themselves. I want to illustrate what I mean by sharing an example with you.

A few years ago, at the county fair, my husband bought a stove top grill. He was so anxious to try it out. The next day was Sunday, and we had church meetings that would take all morning. Following church we had a very important wedding reception. A DO NOT MISS event!

Knowing my husband well, I said, “Don, you won’t be able to grill chicken tomorrow after church; it will take too long. We need to come home, eat something quick, and get to the reception.” I know he heard me because he was looking at me and nodding his head. Does this sound familiar so far?

The next day, as I slipped into my last meeting, I noticed that Don was nowhere to be seen. I knew immediately what had happened. He was skipping out to go home and grill that chicken!

Sure enough, as I walked into the house, there he was grilling, sorta. The chicken was still totally raw. He had seasoned it and gotten everything ready. Then he had to heat up the grill, and he was just putting it on when I walked in. Ok, so you probably know what was running through my mind. “He never listens to me” or “He doesn’t care a fig about what I say” (interpretation – He doesn’t love me!). Needless to say, we got to the reception as they were taking the cloths from the tables.

I have had tons of experience with this idea that we shape our experience and how we are going to feel based on the story we tell ourselves. So I took control of my story and put it on hold until I could get more facts. That evening I asked my husband, “Don, yesterday I mentioned that there wouldn’t be enough time to grill chicken. I can only see two reasons that you might have gone ahead. One, you didn’t listen to what I said or two you don’t care what I said. However, I know you, and you aren’t insensitive and you do care abut my feelings, so I am wondering what the third option might be.” (There is always a third option.)

He looked at me in total sincerity and said, “Well I just thought I could do it if I came home early.” I knew at that moment what he said was true. He did think he could do it, and he was surprised when he couldn’t. By taking control of my story I saved us a lot of hurt feelings, maybe even a big fight and more importantly, the erroneous idea that he doesn’t love me, hear me or care, which would continue to color all of our future interactions.

When we control our thoughts, then our stories are better, and our results are happier.

In my next blog, I am going to give you an even better and much funnier example. So stay tuned!

Have you had experience with this idea of taking control of your thoughts and the inevitable story they create? How does using this information look in your family?

If you like this post, please share it with your community by using one of the social share buttons.

Possibly Related Posts:

{ 0 comments }

Good Read for Summer! The Ravenous Gown

by Mary Ann on June 26, 2015

I LOVE fairy tales! I know that in today’s world there are some parents who do not like them for one reason or another. But as a child I loved them!! I read them voraciously from as early as 7 or 8. I read Hans Christian Anderson and The Brothers Grimm, and some of their stuff was pretty Grimm. : ) I read Arabian Nights, Alice in Wonderland, and Aesop’s Fables.

My grandmother would frequently get upset with me because when I read I really did go away into another world. She would come up behind me and holler (because she had been trying to get my attention for a while) and I wouldn’t even hear her. I really loved reading and I really loved fairy tales.

Recently I ran across a book of new fairy tales written by Steffani Raff, called The Ravenous Gown. It is full of 15 fairy tales about real beauty, real life and true principles. Some are serious and some are funny. They were a very fun read and I think that kids, especially girls, of all ages, if they love fairy tales, will love this book. Parents and children alike will fall in love with how Raff’s artfully crafts fairy tales that allow us to see the beauty that is in us all.

It is summer time. That is a time for lying on the lawn, as the sun begins to set, and reading; kids alone and kids with their parents. Summer is really for reading. So why not get lost in a book with courageous princesses, gallant knights and unlikely heroines and heroes. Reading as a family is an amazing way to connect, relax and learn. When we read to our children we help them learn to love reading, just as I did, and we help them become independent learners.

Let me share some gems from a few of my favorites:

The second story in the book, The Magic Mirror, was worth reading for the final sentence alone. “And they all lived as happily as they allowed themselves to be.” And isn’t that something we want to teach our children, that they have power in their own lives, for good or bad, by the choices they make in how they think and feel.

And then there is the re-write of a very famous story, Cinderella – Sort Of. Even as a girl, and one who loved fairy tales, I got tired of all the heroines being beautiful and perfect. Where were the real girls, living real lives, making real mistakes, who triumphed anyway? Right here in this refreshing story you will find one.