Let Go of the Outcome

by Mary Ann on June 25, 2010

I mentioned in my last blog that I have always tended toward perfection. I have been a fairly driven person. I really like my finger in

Ashley making cupcakes

all the pies and I like things to get done and done right. That has been my method of operation all of my life and it has its upside and its down side, for sure.

In some of my past blogs I have talked about letting go of the outcome. When you are so invested in how a thing turns out it is difficult to teach someone else or allow them to practice for themselves. If how a cookie tastes is the most important element of a baking session with our kids then it will be difficult for you to let a two year old measure the sugar or shortening. You can guarantee that unless you over-help them you won’t have the full cup or you may have an over filled cup. Hence, the cookie may not be the same as if you had made it yourself.Remember that I said that I relearned so many lessons during my daughters wedding. Well this was one of those lessons revisited.

I have been working on a hormone imbalance that isn’t resolved yet. It has made the last 3-4 months fairly difficult. My thinking isn’t as sharp as it usually is and planning and organizing, one of my greatest skills has been down. So thinking through the whole wedding was a daunting task. I have to admit that I didn’t do it as well as I might have a year ago and so we had some rough moments in setting up the reception.

After the sealing ceremony we had a beautiful family luncheon. Then we were all heading over to the reception site to set up. Due to some miscommunication, it was a few hours before my daughters came. So what I had for the first hour at least, was a husband, a couple of sons and a fourteen year old grandson. YIKES!!!!!! What I really needed was my girls; at least that is what I thought.

We had some very exquisite lily balls which needed to be hung in the trees. My oldest son offered to hang them. I knew in my mind just how they needed to be but there were so many things to do and none of my daughters was there so I felt overwhelmed. I realized right in that moment that I had to let go of the outcome and let others do what they could. So I handed my son the boxes of balls, gave him minimal directions and walked away.

We had a very European food presentation and I really wanted my daughter Jodie to set it up. We had done the same at her wedding and I knew that she could do it. But she wasn’t available. My second son offered to do the job. I showed him how to cut the ivy apart, mentioned what food we had and walked away.

I set my fourteen year old grandson to putting the centerpieces together and getting them on the tables. Then I walked away.

As for serving, I had only one person on board, my friend Lisa. I had worked with her in another assignment and I knew that her experience in large events was very small. Gulp. I showed her how to make the punch water, how to put the oriental salad together, gave a few directions about cheese and bread and I walked away.

Much, much later, as I went to the cake table to watch the bride and groom cut cake I saw the lily balls. I was taken back. They weren’t hung as I envisioned, they were so much better. They were perfect. I am not kidding about that, they were so beautifully and artistically hung.

I didn’t get back to the food table until we were right at the end of the evening. WOW!! It looked so wonderful. It was such a great job and looked beautiful.

Kane

I didn’t get a close look at the centerpieces until we were actually cleaning them up. It is amazing what a fourteen year old boy can handle!!! Great job Kane.

As for the serving, well we never ran out of punch water, salad, cheese or bread. Lisa was certainly up to the task of getting the job done. She had even enlisted the help of others and had kept everything running smoothly.

I am telling you all this because some of you may think that what I tell you to do as you organize your Closet and begin to use it is something that I am just naturally good at. When I talk about the Five Rules of Engagement maybe you think that I use them well, all the time. I want you to know that what I am asking you to do is still work for me.

It wasn’t easy to walk away. I wanted to make sure that the outcome was exactly what I wanted. But I couldn’t do it all. I wasn’t physically able and I wasn’t mentally able because of my health issue. So I had to walk away. I had to trust others that they could and would do a good job. It was tough!!!

When you are working with your children that is what you have to do. You have to let go of cost, looks, taste, and the shirt they are wearing. When children are learning and practicing new things it can be messy and they make mistakes, ruin stuff and it doesn’t always come out right. However, children are more interested in the process than the outcome. And to tell the truth, what looks good and perfect to them rarely looks that way to us.

So resist the temptation to over-help. When they open The Spark Station and ask “What is this” make a brief comment like, “Oh, I thought someone might be interested in why quicksand sucks people under.” Then mentally walk away. Let them read the directions and do the experiment. Don’t offer to help until they ask. While they are figuring it out engage in a familiar conversation about what you have learned about quicksand, about how you would feel if it was sucking you under, about how you would get out.

At the reception I made it possible for Lisa to gain experience in managing a big event, I helped my grandson have more confidence and feel really involved by letting him take care of the centerpieces. I let my oldest son utilize his creativity in hanging those lily balls. I let my second son do what he does all the time, make magic with food. I forgot to mention that managing restaurants is what he does. When we can let go of the outcome, the necessity of perfection, then we can allow others to stretch and grow – and usually it all comes out well in the end anyway.

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Focus on the Positive

by Mary Ann on June 24, 2010

It is amazing how the every day events of our lives can teach us so many lessons. I am still thinking about my daughters wedding and all the things I relearned while putting that event together.

As I said, it was magnificent. We had friends come that we hadn’t seen for years. Some had moved here from our old stomping grounds in Montana and we just hadn’t reconnected. Some were old school friends that we see only occasionally. Some were old business partners. It was an amazing and eclectic gathering. It reconfirmed how many circles we have created throughout our lives and how wonderful relationships really are. We were so happy to reconnect with all these wonderful people who have shared portions of our lives and are still interested in who we are and what is happening to us.

I mentioned that despite everything not being perfectly organized, that the food was wonderful, the decorations amazing, the music delightful and it was a spectacular and splendid party.

Kate and Brady

Well guess what? Since the day after the wedding I have had little negative thoughts entering my head on a regular basis. Did I leave my old school friend Dava standing alone while I ran off to take care of some small thing? Why didn’t I say good by to that person or this person? Why didn’t I stay right by the dancing instead of making sure the cake was being cut? What did I miss, who did I miss? Why was I so worried about getting things cleaned up so soon? I should have sat down and eaten. Did I even have a conversation with each of my children? This was my daughters wedding. Did I enjoy it enough, or was I off taking care of something?You will surmise from this that I am a perfectionist of sorts, a driven person. I really like my finger in all the pies and I like things to get done and done right. That has been my method of operation all of my life and it has its upside and its down side for sure. I want to address that in another blog. However, what I want to focus on here is this tendency to dwell on the negative.

Here is what I did do. I let go of the outcome and let other people do what I would usually do myself. I laughed. I made myself not stand and cut cake for more than a few moments. I walked away from the food table and never went back, knowing that it was in capable hands. I made sure that Dava got to see my daughter who was preparing to leave. I danced the first and last dance with my husband. I saw my daughter having a fabulous time on her special day. I engaged in many fun conversations with friends and family. I hugged all of my children and smiled on them. I didn’t spend all of my time working or stewing or fretting, just some of it. I had a lot of fun. I breathed.

I did really well on a special, if stressful day. Everyone had a good time including me. It was a party to remember, so why the little niggling thoughts of all that I didn’t do? It is what most of us do. We focus on our lacks!

When I talk with parents about their family cultures or how their Spark Station is going that is what I hear, what isn’t going well. We tend to dwell on what isn’t right, on our mistakes and inadequacies.

Could I have mingled more, worried less, danced more, laughed more, stressed less? Sure! But what I did do was enough and my daughter will have so many great memories.

Could you be kinder, less stressed, more organized, wiser, more thoughtful; spend less time in the thick of thin things. Sure! But you are doing OK.

When we focus on what we aren’t doing well, what we don’t know or understand or how we are failing then we don’t leave room for joy. It is like guilt. If it moves us to better action then it is good. If it saps our confidence and makes us feel depressed and bad then it isn’t good. It is vital to remember that what we focus on we get more of. This is a principle and a principle is true in every situation, from a wedding to life. (Here is where a Family Mission Statement can help. It gives you a positive plan to focus on.)

So what I want to say is that as parents, trying new things, you have to give yourselves a break. You need to focus on what is right, what is working. Look quickly at what isn’t working or that needs to be changed and then make changes, move forward. But while you are doing that you need to hold in your mind what is working, what is happy, where you shine.

If we can do that our families will be happier, more joyful. We will gain confidence. We will smile more and we will have better memories. So when those niggling thoughts have come I have said to myself, “Yes, but remember…..” and I have replaced it with a thought about something at the wedding that made me happy or that I thought was wonderful. To tell you the truth, I am feeling pretty good about it!!!

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Things Will Work Out In The End

by Mary Ann on June 23, 2010

It is Wednesday morning and I am back. The wedding is over, the honeymoon is almost over and we can once again get into our kitchen! It was a fantastic wedding experience. The sealing ceremony in the early morning hours was peaceful, illuminating and spiritual. The setting up for the reception in the afternoon was crazy, wild and fun. The reception itself was a fabulous party with amazing food, wonderful friends and lots of laughter and dancing. We had a truly spectacular day.

It has taken some time to recover, however. The last few weeks leading up to the reception were intensely stressful. It wasn’t anything anyone could have mitigated for us. There was just so much to do, so many details, and so many bills to pay! Yet we managed it all one day, in fact, one moment at a time.

The day of the wedding and reception so many things went wrong. Items that were needed were left home or missing (all the festivities were forty five minutes from our home). Important details, like where to store all the food for ten hours had been forgotten. Someone’s pants didn’t fit, a seam ripped…..well you get the picture.

After the reception everything was loaded into our two vans and hauled home. It was all unloaded in the living room and kitchen. YIKES! There was barely a walkway left. And there it sat for three days! I looked at it and knew that I ought to get busy and put it away but I was tired, really tired. So there it sat. Today though, the kitchen is clean. We can sit at the table and eat a meal. There are still some piles in the living room but I feel confident that by the end of today even that will be taken care of.

As I thought about this whole wedding experience it reminded me of the thirty nine years of parenting that Don and I have put in.

Our son's clowning around at the wedding

There was just so much to do. At each stage of our children’s lives there was so much to do. There was homework (yes the first five all went to public school). There were meals, meals and more meals. The laundry was incessant. We had little league, piano lessons, football, dance, band concerts…….and on and on. It took a lot of money and we didn’t have a lot of money back then. Sometimes it was so stressful because there was just no way to do it all and not enough knowledge to do it all well.

During those thirty nine years lots of things went wrong. We had our own baggage, our own fears and problems and we hauled them all into that marriage and child rearing mêlée. We were inefficient parents, foolish parents, and ignorant parents many times. We didn’t know much when we started out. Consequently we wounded our children at times and didn’t remember to take care of some important details. Some of our children got lost and had to be recovered. All in all it was a messy business.

However, on the day of the reception we had all seven of our children together in one place for the first time in quite a few years (Kate is the baby and the next youngest is 28) I had time to reflect on each one of them. No one is lost now. They are all beautiful, confident, loyal, kind, adults with amazing character. How did that happen? I am astonished and amazed at how these wonderful people came out of those thirty nine years of our growing up. But they did; just like an amazing and fulfilling wedding party came out of weeks and months of being overwhelmed, forgetful and just plain not on top of it all.

Last night Don and I began reading a wonderful book called Portal To Genius by Leslie Householder and Garrett Gunderson. On the back was a statement that I think really applies here – “…things will work out in the end, and if they are not worked out yet, it is not the end.” David E. Palmer

I hope as you raise your families you will remember that. If it isn’t all worked out yet, then it isn’t the end. Keep working and learning. That of course, is what saved our children. Don and I did grow up, finally. We learned new things, tried new things and got better. So can you.

Read the classics on parenting, education, financial management, and love. Immerse yourselves in your core cannon. Find mentors who have been where you want to go. Remember the idea “you not them”. The better you get the more you can give to them.

Begin by reading my guest blogger, Jodie Palmer’s, four part blog on Family Mission Statements. Write one. Give yourself a map, something to shoot for. Don’t just run around in the dark like Don and I did for so many years. We finally got a plan, understood it and began working it. It did make a difference. It can for you too.

Sometime in the future you will gather your family around you and you will be amazed at what came out of your learning, your practicing, your errors and mistakes. You will be amazed!!! So don’t give up, get too tired to keep going or get discouraged. Rest when you must, regroup and then know that if it isn’t worked out yet, then it isn’t the end. You can do this and do it well. Just believe and have a plan.

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Family Mission Statement: Part IV

by Mary Ann on June 21, 2010

The Niebergal's - Families really matter

Congratulations on creating your family mission statement! However, in order for it to translate into family culture you must now use it. Here are some ideas for how you can engage with your family mission statement in meaningful ways.

1.     Recite it daily. Determine a time when your family is generally together at the same time. Our family says our mission statement just before bed because that’s when daddy is almost always there with us. When your mission statement is memorized and reviewed daily it will begin to come to mind when you need it most such as during a teaching or a disciplining moment. Lines of our family mission statement often come to me when I feel tempted to speak or act in ways that are contrary to the specific culture that we’re trying to nurture in our home.

2.     Use it to help make big decisions. Is your decision inline with the objectives of your mission statement?

3.     Use it to help regain focus and realignment with the things that matter most to your family.

4.     Use it to guide your family educational plan. The specific values that your mission statement mentions such as money management, entrepreneurialism, freedom, honesty, or service can all inform your educational opportunities, ideas and materials.

5.     Have fun with it. Have your children create artwork or collages that reflect your final mission statement. Display this art in a prominent place in your home. Develop a family cheer, motto, flag, or t-shirt inspired by your mission statement.

6.     Develop a family VISION. A family Vision is essentially the why of your family mission in story form. Your family Vision is what motivates each family member to care about doing the things that the family mission statement describes. Nicholeen Peck http://teachingselfgovernment.com/ beautifully describes the power of a family Vision and how to use it most effectively in her fabulous book A House United: Changing Children’s Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government. http://teachingselfgovernment.com/new-book-order/

To create your family Vision, start with the backdrop of a deep family tradition, like Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or something that holds a powerful sense of connection and meaning for your family. Close your eyes and in your mind see your family engaging in that tradition 20 years from now. What will it smell like, sound like, what will the tastes be? Who will be there and what will they be doing? How will it feel to be together, and how will people be treating each other? Develop a story with as many details as possible, just as if you were creating a bedtime story for a child. Develop this story so that it describes why the accomplishment of the family mission statement is so important; it will be what allows this story to come to pass 20 years from now.

Share this story with your family and allow them to add more details that are meaningful to them. Then allow this story to become part of your family story. Tell it often; driving in the car, at bedtime, when someone is sad or struggling, etc. The more you tell the story the more they will care about the mission statement, and the more the words of the mission statement will be written on the hearts of your children.

Using your mission statement, and telling its story is what turns words on paper into the culture of your home. This is your family’s Core Curriculum and will help you lay the foundation for a great life.

To turn your family mission statement into a beautiful work of art, we recommend Signs for Your Times http://www.signsforyourtimes.com/. Great quality, great price!

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