Focus on being a student, learning to be calm
“I wanted to thank you again for a great class. I was wondering if you could tell me more about the yelling you used to do. I grew up in that type of household, and swore I would never be like that… but guess what I do? I’d love to hear how you gained mastery over that part of your life. I didn’t do it when I only had 1 or 2 children and they were little. But the more children that came and the older they got, the more I slipped into it. Do you mind sharing what it was that helped you? THANK YOU!”
Does this sound like you? I have gotten quite a number of emails similar to this one. It seems that many of us have a difficult time working out our frustration without yelling at our children. I am certainly no expert on this. All I can share is that I used to yell and now I don’t. I can tell you some of the things that helped me get a handle on my ability to respond more calmly in the face of frustration and even anger.
Make sure your marital relationship is healthy
1. You can’t just say you aren’t going to stop yelling. You have to have a mental plan about what you are going to do instead. You can’t replace something with nothing.
2. Make sure you are not secretly angry at your husband. When that happens we don’t yell at our spouse. But anger will make you yell at your children because it is safer and easier than yelling at a spouse. There is a terrific class at Leadership Education Family Builder. Com that makes it clear that your marriage relationship will affect how you manage your children. This is a free class.
3. See your children as people not as problems, interruptions etc. See them as people with needs. For example, when my 3 year old grandson is really being a pill his mom will stop, get down to his level and say “what is wrong little son”. When I watch her I know she is ticked off often but she makes herself respond in a kind and respectful way. She makes the mental assumption that if they are crying, misbehaving, hitting, fighting etc, that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Although it isn’t easy it has become a habit for her and so she can do it most of the time.
4. Practice being present. Parents who are present are better able to STOP and look at a situation and see it for what it is. The better we get at focusing on another person and not on our need to “move on “ to the next thing, the better we are able to handle frustration and anger.
5. Learn to manage stress. There are as many ways to do this as there are people and you could fill a library with the books that have been written on the subject. I used to take hot baths late at night and read. I out grew that particular stress reliever. Now I do mini-meditation which I learned from the book “Eight Minute Meditation” by Victor Davich.
Learn to manage stress
6. Get enough sleep and eat right. Mom’s really mess this one up. We stay up late trying to “get it all done” and then have a hard time managing our frustration and being patient. We also eat over the sink, in the car, anywhere but at the table. Learn to eat breakfast sitting down.
7. Stop over scheduling yourself and your family. Simplify your life.
8. Pray. I consider this the most important point of all! Prayer is the best medicine for anger and yelling. You can receive a feeling of peace, a greater desire to be kind and a sense of hope that you can be calm and collected most of the time.
9. Believe that you can become a calm person. What we believe is much easier to accomplish. It took me many years to believe that I could change and that yelling wasn’t in my blood or that it wasn’t just how we Cazier’s handled things.
10. Focus on how many times you do well. What we focus on we get more of. When you fall off the wagon and yell, say you’re sorry and move on; stop ruminating over it and telling others about it. Stop cementing in your mind that you are a “yeller”. Actually, you are a student learning to be calm. Focus on that!
What would you add to this list? Share your insights in the comments.
See children as people, not problems
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