Really Being Present

by Mary Ann on August 26, 2010

When I was sixteen I portrayed Emily Webb in the play Our Town by Thornton Wilder. I love that play. I didn’t understand it when I was sixteen. It was just an opportunity to do what I loved back then, be on stage.

As the years have gone by I have thought about that play on and off. Some of the scenes and words would come back to me and I would feel nostalgic about it, about growing up and getting older and moving away from that time. But I don’t think I really understood the play, not much better than when I was sixteen.

Emily: Live people don’t understand, do they?

Mrs. Gibbs: No dear-not very much.

Emily: Oh mother Gibbs, I never realized before how troubled and how…how in the dark live persons are. From morning till night, that’s all they are-troubled…But Mother Gibbs, one can go back; one can go back there again…into the living.

Mrs. Gibbs: Yes, of course you can…All I can say is, Emily, don’t.

Emily: But I won’t live over a sad day. I’ll choose a happy one-I’ll choose the day I first knew that I loved George. Why should that be painful?

Mrs. Gibbs…At least, choose an unimportant day. Choose the least important day in your life. It will be important enough.

Emily:…I choose my twelfth birthday.

Emily: Mama, I’m here! Oh how young Mama looks! I didn’t know Mama was ever that young.

Emily watches breakfast being served and conversations between her family members.

Emily, with mounting urgency: Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me. Mama, fourteen years have gone by. I’m dead…Mama. Wally’s dead too…But just for a moment now we’re all together. Mama, just for a moment we’re happy. Let’s look at one another.

Emily, in a loud voice, to the Stage Manager: I can’t. I can’t go on. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed…Do any human beings realize life while they live it?-every, every minute?

Mrs. Gibbs: Were you happy?

Emily: No…I should have listened to you. That’s all human beings are! Just blind people…Mother Gibbs?

Mrs. Gibbs: Yes Emily.

Emily: They don’t understand do they?

The play is about the short life of Emily Webb, her growing and loving and dying. It is about going with her after death and her realization that all that really mattered in life were the relationships that she had but that most of us are so busy with things, cleaning, cooking, work, hobbies, getting through each day, that we miss the most important part.

What brought me to thinking about this play today? I was looking through old photos and weeping and weeping. I saw my two brothers who are gone and my dad who is gone. There were aunts and uncles and cousins, all gone. I spent time with them. I went to picnics and reunions with them. I lived with some of them. But I didn’t know them, not even my dad and my brothers.

Boe Dean, the poet

Brett, gone over forty years

Here is the beginning line of a poem written by my living brother not too many years before my dad passed away- “I know this man as father, yet I know him very little.” It is a beautiful poem, all about what he learned from my dad that has helped him in his life. Yet the beginning line holds a world of meaning and experience between the two.

Here is an excerpt I found in a letter I had written my dad many years ago. “Thank you for a piece of yourself. The letters from you to grandpa confirmed something I already knew, that as we grow older we make friends of our family members.” Why is that? Why do our children have to grow up and go away before they become our friends, before we know who they are, who they really are, if we ever even get that far? I think it is because we are so busy keeping track of what they will eat and won’t eat, how well they read, how they take care of responsibilities, what are their grades like, who do they hang out with, do they speak politely, and all the other concerns of good parents.

We need to be present. We need to listen to each other. We need to ask searching questions, beyond “how are your kids” and “are how is work going”? Questions like “How are you feeling”, “are you scared”, “what do you need”? We need relationships that go beyond just sharing a home or a work space or a church pew.

I clearly understand being present. I teach it all the time. When I have my grandchildren here I can be present while we use The Spark Station, an hour or two. But being present in my life is tougher. I admit it. I don’t call my mom enough. I don’t sit and listen to my husband dream enough. I don’t know enough about the hopes and dreams of my adult children. I don’t think enough. I don’t call friends enough. We live as if life will always be the same. The people we love will always be here. We have plenty of time to know them, to love them.

But we don’t! Life moves on relentlessly. People move away, sometimes they die. Sometimes they just stop being an everyday part of our lives. Making memories is wonderful. You know the birthday parties, graduations, births, etc. But really connecting with people we love, everyday, in all the mundane moments, that is the essence of a life well lived; not always hurried, stressed, worn out, or worried all the time. The everyday moments when we really talk with each other, when we hear each other, when we see each others Sparks and respond, that is real life!

These moments happen at the dinner table as we talk about great books, great people, current events and how we can serve, not about who spilled the milk, whose room is a mess and who needs to go where next. They happen during bath time and bed time and structured family learning time, while we share our hopes, dreams and interests with our children and they share back. They happen in the car on the way to the store. No cell phone at the ear, but good music playing as we talk about our community and what is going on. These moments happen as we weed the garden, clean the garage, take a walk, and do the dishes together. They happen when we free our mind from the babble of what has to be done next and focus on what is happening now, right now, with this child, with this spouse, with this friend, with this parent or sibling. They happen when we are not so caught up in life that we can’t appreciate life.

Being Present is an art. We have to practice it with real intent. When we fall short we practice some more. Whatever we focus on has to grow and expand. We can use this principle to become better at our relationships and our ability to be present.

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We All Need Solid Relationships

by Mary Ann on August 20, 2010

Aubrey, Parker, Ashley, and Elizabeth

I have been very ill since Tuesday evening. The timing couldn’t have been worse. I was caring for four grandchildren from Colorado and two more were on their way. I was to drive all of them back to Colorado for four days of fun with grandma. There was no way that was going to happen.

Wednesday morning I couldn’t even get out of bed and Thursday wasn’t much better. I was reminded in those dark hours how important it is to take good care of our relationships. It is an amazing thing to have friends and family rally around you, to care for you and help you. I experienced a wealth of that in the last few days.

I am a bit better today. I am caring for the last two grandchildren who arrived on Thursday. My husband drove the rest home to Colorado on Wednesday, his only day off. Bless his heart! Keeping these two little ones happy today and tomorrow will take all that I have to give right now. I will be writing again on Monday. See you then.

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Visualize What You Want

by Mary Ann on August 16, 2010

I picked up four of my grandchildren last Thursday. I am keeping them for a week. Friday my newly married daughter and son-in-law and I took all of them to the zoo plus two more. Six grandchildren in all, ages two through ten

Early Friday morning one of the 2 year olds woke up wet and crying for his mom. That was his third “wake up” since going to bed the night before. The four year old had fallen out of bed in the middle of the night and had woken up the second two year old who didn’t really want to go back to bed. It took a while to convince him it was still night.

Breakfast was a series of spilled milk, spilled cereal and “she has more than me”.

Then we moved on to getting dressed, combing out really long snarly hair as gently as possible and hunting for one of  the two year olds sippy cup, a MUST have! We looked for misplaced flip flops and admonished Parker to stop throwing things off the balcony, including sliced watermelon which seemed to make a delightful splat as it hit the pavement.

By then it was lunch time. Gee whiz!! There was peanut butter and honey all around, blueberries rolling on the floor along with a few grapes and a bit more spilled milk and crushed cookies. Then thirty minutes or so of strapping them all into car seats for the five minute ride to my daughters where they would play while I went to the store to buy more milk and cereal.

After the shopping trip I made another lunch because I know that food is a must at the zoo, even if you have already eaten lunch. More pb and j, more grapes and blueberries, and the all important sippy cup and bottles of water. Lots of water! Then it was time to load up a double stroller, a single stroller and thirty more minutes to strap them all in for the fifteen minute ride to the zoo.

As I drove with four of the six children in my car, I was lucky and had both two year olds, I felt just a tad stressed. It was hot. I hadn’t had much sleep and what I had was continually interrupted. The decibel level in my car was nuts! The word “grandma” was being uttered every 10 seconds or so followed by a question which I couldn’t answer before another two or three “grandmas” were called out. Grandma, did you know giraffes have purple tongues? Grandma, look at that man on that big bike. Wouldn’t you like a big bike?  Grandma, Aubrey can’t have all the cheese sticks. Grandma, are we there yet. Grandma, are you glad we are going to the zoo?

Well that was a very good question and I had a serious choice to make. As I drove I began visualizing the day. I needed to decide to have a wonderful time. I was going to love being at the zoo with these precious little people. I was going to be happy to answer all their questions, kiss their scraped knees, (I knew there would be a few) and wipe sticky mouths and runny noses. It was going to be the best day ever. I could see it in my mind.

As we drove the ten year old asked the two year olds if they were excited to be going to the zoo. That set them both off, screaming “Yes”. The screaming became a contest to see who was the most excited. The stream of questions asked in rapid fire continued from the back. I began to hear how funny it all sounded. The questions were hysterical. The contest was silly. They were all so excited and happy. I started laughing until tears were in my eyes. It was hilarious!

At the zoo I continued laughing. I laughed at the skinned knees, the pouty faces, the sad moments, the scary times, the funny statements. I laughed at it all. Children are amazing to watch. It is amazing to see their expressions, their reactions, how they perceive what is happening, what they are seeing.

As we were ending the day my legs were killing me. So were my feet. My arms were tired of pushing strollers. The two year olds were racing up the hill and of course one tripped into the other and they both took a spill rolling over each other. There were tears and more owies to kiss. My daughter and her new husband looked drained. As I looked on I started laughing again. It really was fun just being part of all the hoopla and confusion and movement and questions. It was fun. It makes me laugh just to write about it and see it again in my mind.

Parker and Jack

I know that you are thinking I am crazy. I raised seven children and I have been in this place many times. I never thought it was fun. It was tiring. It was over the top. It was a lot of things, but not fun. On this day, at this zoo, it was fun. I had determined that it would be. I had visualized the fun. And it was fun just watching little people deal with life! I was paying attention to these people. I was present in a different way. I saw more, and felt more, all of which transcended the stress, the tired, and the noise.

Aunt Kate and Maggie

When we got home there was dinner to fix. Then we all went for a walk. Three girls aged ten to six on scooters, then Jack, the two year old, with his pink stroller and Parker, also two, with his green wheelbarrow. The parade was followed up by four year old Maggie in her stroller and I. More walking! It takes along time to take a parade of six children around the block. Lots of time for more laughing which I did. Jack is short and round. Parker is tall and lean. Walking behind them was a scream; watching their little bodies, so different, pushing along. I had to laugh at the girls enjoying and arguing in turn all the way around the block. We must have been quite a sight as a woman crossed the street from her home to ask me if I needed any help. That made me laugh too.

When we finally made it back home my husband’s car was there. Yes, the “relief shift”! Five children trooped up the stairs with me in the rear carrying Maggie. As we all burst through the door I hollered out “Don, I need your help”. I heard a very grumpy, muffled reply coming from somewhere in the kitchen. I rounded the corner with Maggie still in my arms too see my 61 year old husband on his knees in a sea of blueberries. I began laughing hysterically and saying “this is so funny”. “It’s not funny”, he replied. “Oh yes, it is funny”, I said, “and the perfect end to a very perfect day”. By the time we had retrieved all the blueberries even he was laughing at the silliness of the situation. Ashley who is eight had come in to help pick up berries and she said, “Grandma you have laughed a lot to day.”

You know the best thing about the day? It’s the fact that because I made a decision to enjoy it, all of it, I had. And because I had, I was able to allow my grandchildren to enjoy all of it. No fussy adult, no angry words, no hurt feelings, just a day to be a kid, just the way kids are. It was an amazing day.

Every day can’t and won’t be like this. Life isn’t that neat and orderly. However, making the decision about how you are going to respond in any situation can make all the difference. Visualizing what you want something to be is powerful! It defiantly does make a difference.

You know what the rest of your week will be like. If you have some challenging situations that you have to deal with think about them before hand. How do you want them to turn out? How do you want to feel at the end? Then visualize it. It will make a difference.

Jack and Uncle Brady

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Emotional Weight

by Mary Ann on August 14, 2010

The mentor in question, Jodie Palmer

Do you know what a mentor is? Simply put, it is someone who is at least a little farther ahead of you in a certain topic. They don’t have to know everything; they’re just a little farther down the path than you. I have noticed that really good mentors usually have mentors. Interesting isn’t it? Those who really know something, realize that they don’t know it all and they get mentors.

I have mentors. Whenever I don’t know how to move forward I call them. They listen to my worries, complaints, fears and some times whining. They help me work things out in my mind and see more clearly, and sometimes they just pull me up short and let me know that I am not doing the required work!

That happened today. I called my mentor because I was feeling some anxiety about what to do next in my business, and whether what I’m doing really mattered or not. My mentor listened and finally said, “Mary Ann, you’ve been avoiding the real work you need to do. The work of thinking and visioning what your life and your life’s work is really all about. You won’t be able to get answers and solutions to these questions you’re asking until you get clear about what it is you really want. It’s a clear and vivid vision of what you want that will be your best guide. ”

Leslie Householder

Leslie Householder, author of The Portal to Genius, says it like this in her School of Life Mastery program, “You don’t stake your claim after you’ve found it, you stake it in your mind right from the get-go.

“It’s like tying a long string to the end of an arrow, and walking up to the target, stabbing it into the center circle, and walking back to where you came from. You’ve identified precisely where you want to end up, and from there, all you have to do is reel yourself in. The string will ensure that you end up in the right place. Whether you go left or right doesn’t matter, because in the long run, as you wind the string up into a ball, the gentle tug of the string tied to the arrow firmly jabbed into the center of the target will keep you moving in the right direction. There could be a hundred people tied to the center of the target, all coming from different directions, and yet they’ll all end up in the same spot because they each had their arrow firmly set into the target.

“This is why it is more important to have the ultimate goal clearly in mind than it is to have a checklist of steps from someone else to follow. The string is like your inner voice. If you begin to go in the wrong direction, the string will tug and you’ll easily be able to make the proper course correction.”

So, the advice from my mentor was to stake my claim. In other words do the work of obtaining a clear and vivid vision of what I really want for my life and my business.

It occurred that that isn’t any different than what I’ve been asking you to do—create a clear and vivid vision of the family and family culture that you want.

So, I thought we could travel this journey together. I’d like to share with you what it feels like, and what I learn as I go through this process. Actually, it’s really helpful for me to publicly commit to doing this work. If you want to make a commitment too, feel free to make your declaration in the comment section below.

The truth is that I had hoped that this vision would just pop into my mind. Secretly, I was avoiding the work of writing and thinking. It just felt so daunting and emotionally heavy in my mind.

I don’t think that I’m unique here. Most of us have very weak thinking muscles. We don’t want to think too much because, darn it, its just hard work. So we avoid it. Then we begin carrying “emotional weight” around. That is the feeling you have when you know there is something you are supposed to do but you resist doing it because it feels too hard or overwhelming.

We use all kinds of excuses to justify the fact that we aren’t doing the thing that we know in our heart we should do, and in fact are supposed to do. We claim that we have no time, we are so busy with all the important other things we have to do. We complain that we don’t have enough creative space to just think and figure it out. We focus on the fact that we have too many children, we have to work outside the home, we are caring for our aged parents, we are so involved with the community, whatever it happens to be for us. Does this sound familiar to you?

So we continue procrastinating and the emotional weight grows heavier and heavier, and we become less and less productive and less and less satisfied with our lives. It’s a horrible waste of energy.

I’m not discounting spontaneous inspiration, because I know that is real. But, the fact is that most of us keep waiting for inspiration to come knocking when actually we just need to get to work and invite inspiration to us through the act of writing and thinking.

Here is the suggestion that I got from my mentor this morning. Be ninety in your mind. Write down what has happened over the years as you have worked with families. What difference has it made? Write down what it feels like helping parents to see their children differently. Write down what it feels like to help families love being together.

So there it is. I have the same work that you have. I have to THINK!

I have asked you to study the information on Family Mission Statements and write one for your family. I have asked you to THINK about what you want in your family culture, what you want to give to your children from your heart.

I have asked you to create a Master Inspire Plan to help you have a road map to accomplish this mission you have of creating a GREAT family culture so that your children can have GREAT lives. I have asked you to THINK about what that would take.

So I am making a commitment to you all to begin writing. I will begin today. I hope you make the same commitment. I will let you know how it is coming along for me and I hope that you will let me know how it works for you. Make a comment here. Come back after you have done some thinking work and comment again. I know that we can all do this!

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