Make It Special – A Spark Station Success Tip and Life Principle 

by Mary Ann on March 27, 2015

Child sewing

Life Principle Three: Make It Special

Mail, mail and more mail! I get LOTS of mail. I get mail about every kind of parenting, schooling and family situation that you can imagine. Let me share one with you today, and the answer, when understood, can increase the enthusiasm and excitement of your children, for just about everything, whether you homeschool or not!

“…We resumed [using] our Spark Station recently and it’s going spectacularly! Well, I put something in there this morning that my 10 year old LOVED! It was a book and supplies to learn cross-stitching. She only got three stitches into it before we had to put it away to have lunch (after de-tangling miles of thread and learning how to use the needle, etc.)

Well, we had science class to go to after lunch and so it was no biggie to put everything away. But I know that when she returns she is going to be really frustrated to not work on her project. Is there EVER an exception to pulling a project-in-progress out of the Spark Station for a child to use continually? Pam C.

Kids GET IT!

There are five principles which make the Spark Station work really well both as a home school tool and as a tool to help any family have some great fun and connection time together. This letter speaks to the heart of principle three: Make it special.

In relation to the Spark Station, the goal is to make it a special tool, used only at certain times, consistently, that kids

Santa Clause

When we make it special it’s like Christmas!

can count on. In the words of one dad, “It’s like Christmas. The excitement stays because it isn’t available all the time. It is amazing!” Mark G.

Kids may seem really disappointed or frustrated when they can’t use something in the Spark Station when they are bored or have free time. They may beg and even pout but really, they get it. Here is what one twelve year old said when I asked her what it was about the Spark station that she liked the most.  “Well, when you are working on a cool project and you have to stop, you are excited about getting back to it the next day.”

This applies to everything in the Spark Station, from learning to sew, to a math workbook. I have seen it work hundreds of times. It works with things that are brand new to your children, such as supplies for cross stitch or calligraphy or wood working. However, it works just the same for things that have been available to your kids for ever, flash cards, games, books, etc.

For example, one young girl asked her mom to put a geography game into the spark Station. It had lain unused on her floor for over a year. Her mom reminded her that if it went into the Spark Station it would only be available for a short time each day, when the Spark Station was available for her to use. She still wanted it to go inside.

Guess what happened? She and her ten year old sister and eight year old brother played it every day for a week! As I said, and as the dad, Mark G. said, “It is amazing!”

I have had people take books off of their own library selves, that their children have had access to for years. The minute they are put into the Spark Station the kids want to read them, as if they have never seen them before. I have seen parent’s put workbooks in the Spark Station and you know what, kids start using them because they can’t use them any other time.

Back to the Ten Year Old and Her Cross Stitch?

child sewingLet’s return to our ten year old and her cross stitch. There are a couple of other reasons to keep the project in your Spark Station for a while. Remember the miles and miles of thread you unraveled in the morning. She is still a learner and there will be miles more to untangle. If the project is in the Spark Station, then when the project is available, so are you. That is another tip that makes the Spark Station work. It is only available when you are. Then your daughter isn’t bringing you a wad of tangled thread when you are up to your elbows in dough, changing a dirty diaper or separating two squabbling siblings.

Another positive of keeping a project in the Spark Station for a while is that it is safe. It is safe from inquisitive two year old siblings, interested six year old sisters and teasing twelve year old brothers. While she is learning you are keeping her project safe.

Here is another way to use the principle of make it special. Go get a pretty little box for her to store her hand sewing in. Put the box into the Spark Station in the next day or two. When she sees it she can put her sewing inside and now it comes out of the Spark Station and goes into her room and it is hers. She has learned something new. She was really enthusiastic about it. You and she had some great boding moments. She felt your love, warmth and presence. That is what the Spark station is all about. The whole learning experience feels special.

It Doesn’t Matter How Long an Item Stays in the Spark Station

It doesn’t matter how long an item stays in the Spark Station. Just having it in there for the first time makes it interesting and inspiring to a child. After a day you can take it out and it becomes part of every day life. You could leave an item in for a week or a month and then it comes out. That is the case with the sewing. When you get home tonight you can let her have it but… it doesn’t go back into the Spark Station. Its Spark Station life is over and you put something else in its place.

I love the principle of “Make it Special”. It works to add more joy to the ordinary and mundane things in life.  It works at bedtime, family night, family dates, vacations, bath time, in many ways. If you want your family to buy into a system, activities or even chores, then make it special.

In fact, next week I will post some ideas to make cleaning with your kid’s fun! Now go make something special!

Know someone who could use a little “special” in their families life, use the buttons and share. : )

 

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Be Careful of Expectations

by Mary Ann on March 19, 2015

Majestic and Cathy

Expectations and Living In The Moment

 

I knew a BIG black dog named Majestic. He belonged to my friend Cathy. I am sure that in his prime he was majestic. But when I knew him he was far along in age and had begun to slow down…alot! His hips hurt and his eyesight had gone.

Majestic could no longer run freely and chase balls or people. He frequently ran into furniture, if it had been moved. If you came into the room and walked towards him he would stagger to his feet and try to get out of your way, not quite sure which way to go. He couldn’t wrestle with the kids anymore.

MajesticYou would think that this once majestic dog would have been very unhappy. But he wasn’t. In fact, Majestic wasn’t sad at all. He was glad to be alive. He was open to sniffing your hand, getting a pat or two and sleeping in the sun. He was grateful for every good thing and seemed to take the bad in stride.

I have often thought about this since Majestic passed away. How could a once energetic and magnificent dog be happy with where his life had taken him – to aching hips and blind eyes? I have come to the conclusion that it has to do with expectations. Majestic just didn’t have any. He lived in the moment and took things exactly as they came.

I have noticed that expectations are the thing that gets me into the most trouble. If what I think should happen doesn’t then I have a hard time accepting what is and enjoying that.

Expectations Can Get Us In Trouble

Here are some perfect examples of what I am talking about. A friend of mine took her family of three boys, ages 9, 6 and 3, on a road trip. They were finishing up a years study of minerals and rocks. As a family they had had some amazing experiences. This trip was going to cap it all off perfectly. She knew just how it was going to go.

A few weeks later she gave me a call. I asked her how the trip went and she said, “Well, it was OK but it didn’t turn out as well as I hoped.” I asked her what went wrong and she told me all the things that they didn’t get to do. She was especially sad about all the journaling that didn’t get done.

I then asked her to tell me what they did do. They went to a dinosaur dig and had a fun day. They sang a ton of songs in their van as they traveled. They had some cool conversations about how the earth was created and what space is like. They dug for gems one afternoon.

“My goodness”, I replied, “there are mothers out there who would give anything for a week like that with their kids”. There was a pause on the Majestic and Preslyother end of the line and then she said, “Your right. I guess it was a pretty good trip after all. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

Another mom was telling me about their failure of a home school day. I asked her why it was a failure. She detailed a project to me that she had planned for her kids. The end product just didn’t turn out very well. I asked her if they had fun and learned anything. She said yes, but she wished the project had turned out better.

She missed the point of doing something with her children – to be Present with them, connect and have fun. As far as I could see, and in fact what her kids saw, was that it was a great home school day.

Another friend and her children worked on their garden all day long. It was beautiful. When she wasn’t paying attention the water got turned on and it was on a long time. The garden was ruined. She could have said to herself or her kids, “What a waste of a day!” But she didn’t. She was grateful for the fun time they spent together and she told me it was a day they won’t soon forget, even if it has to be redone.

Let Your Expectations Go When Working and Playing With Kids

It isn’t just worthwhile if the project or experiment turns out perfectly, if the garden grows and there is a harvest or if boys spend a week writing in a journal. All the time we spend with our children matters, both in the good times and the not so good times.

And there it is. We sometimes suck the joy right out of an activity, a family trip, a child-parent moment because it wasn’t what we had in our mind; it didn’t stand up to our expectations.

When we are planning an activity with our children it is sometimes very wise to let all of our expectations go; not to plan ahead how it should all end but just remember to enjoy the process we are having with our children. That is why children have so much fun. They just enjoy the process.

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Management or Relationship. That is the question!

by Mary Ann on March 12, 2015

110bennie03

Not my friend but this woman is 110. Beautiful!!!

I have a friend who was  111 in February of 2015. You read that right, 111!! She lives with her daughter who is 87. She is in good health. She can get around with her walker. She bathes herself, feeds herself and is as sharp as a tack. Her name is Anna and she is Italian.

It has been fun watching Anna. I have learned a lot. Sometimes when I am with her it is like watching a movie in slow motion. She conserves her energy. She does everything slowly and with great thought. I guess in 110 years you figure out that there is no need to hurry. There is time for anything that matters.

She also conserves her energy when a conversation is going on. She listens a lot. If you ask her a question her answer is short and to the point. I guess in 110 years you learn that you can get more from listening than from talking and that most things don’t need to be said.

Where Do We Spend Our Time? In Management or Relationship

It has also been fascinating watching the interaction between Anna and her daughter. Now remember that her daughter is 87 and that she is responsible for her mother who is 110, almost 111. A huge percentage of their conversations sound like this:

Mom, please go take your shower and don’t mess up the bathroom.
Mom, stop slurping your food. You’re going to choke.
Mom, why did you do that!
Mom, wake up. You can’t sleep at the table.
For goodness sake get dressed. It’s already 10.
Mom, you’re wearing me out.

To me she might say:

Mom has really been naughty this week.
I’ll tell you I am so worn out.
I think that mom is having a pity party. She just wants attention.
Sometimes I think she pushes my buttons on purpose.

imagesDoes this sound familiar to you? Of course it does. It sounds as if she is talking to or about a three year old, a nine year old, a twelve year old. It has been fascinating to see that when you are in the position of custodial care for another person you spend a lot of your time in management and only a fraction in actual relationship.

Anna’s daughter loves her a lot, but let’s face it, when you are in charge of the health and well being of another person you feel a great weight of responsibility. You also carry the burden of all that has to be done: food to cook, clothes to wash, floors to clean, and beds to make and on and on. It doesn’t matter if you are 20 years old and have a one year old, are 35 with seven children or are 87 with a mother who is 110. Add to this, if you are a parent, the constant noise, chaos, movement, questions and messes of children.

You can see why the above conversations are so common and why the conundrum of management vs relationship exists.

What can we do to increase our relationship time? Seven TIPS!

This is by no means an exhaustive list but it may give you an idea or two that you can add to your daily interactions with your children:

• As you walk through a room and see one of your children, touch them on their back, arm or shoulder. Don’t say anything just give a squeeze or a pat. You can do this a hundred times a day and use up only a few minutes.

• If you see a child sitting on the couch, at the table, on their bed or anywhere, stop, sit by them, stay for 20-30 seconds, then squeeze a knee, give a quick hug and go on your way. No need to say a word.

• When a child comes and asks a question stop what you are doing and make eye contact, smile. Then answer. If you feel interrupted keep it to yourself.

• Have a family reading time, even if it is only once a week for 15 minutes. Be consistent with whatever you can do. The amount of days in a week and the amount of time per session matter far less than being consistent. While reading cuddle up. Lots of pillows and blankets.

• When it is time for your kids to brush their teeth go with them. While they brush have a conversation. Start by making any random comment such as, “When I was a kid I liked red socks” or “My favorite cartoon was Baby Huey”. Then be quiet and wait for a response. No response, wait for 30 seconds and try again. This whole process is about 3 minutes because that is all the time it takes to brush teeth.

• Have dinner conversations no matter who spills milk, slurps their soup or tips over their chair. You can get it going by saying, “Guess what I saw today” or “Do you know what my boss did” or “Hey, did anyone have anything fun happen today?” Coming back from your fifth trip to the kitchen to get something for someone – smile and say, “Guess what I saw today”, you know what to do. : )

• If a child is supposed to be cleaning their room, don’t just go in every 30 minutes and yell because they aren’t doing it. Go in and say, “How’s it going? Let me help you clean under your bed, or clean out the closet, or pick up your dirty clothes, etc. Then have one of those random conversations. Stay about 5 minutes, talking and helping, and then go do your own stuff. Return in about 20-30 minutes and repeat. This may seem like a waste of your time, when they should just clean their own room, but it pays dividends. Your kids rooms will get cleaned, you won’t yell, you may have a wonderful conversation and maybe even a laugh.

Please share the thoughts that come to your mind. How do you connect and stay Present?

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Be Careful What You Say – Make It Kind!

by Mary Ann on March 2, 2015

The Final Winner!!

 

The winner of this weeks book give away is Kelli Gates! Congratulations! Your autographed copy is in the mail. I hope everyone enjoyed hearing about Norma Jean’s journey from a childhood dream, through motherhood and right on to author. I know it has inspired me. Today I want to talk about how we can make or break our children, friends and family…well, even complete strangers.

“Our words carry enormous weight. More than we sometimes think. They often impact people for decades, providing the courage to press on or one more reason to give up.” Michael Hyatt

bradyWho Wears Shoes TOO Big?

My daughter Kate wore shoes that were a size too big for many years after she became a teenager. I didn’t realize she was doing that. In fact, she was married before I found out. Her husband found out first and he called her on it.

“Why do you buy shoes that are a size too big”, he asked her. She replied that she had big feet and needed a bigger size. Well, eventually the whole story came out.

She doesn’t really have big feet. She wears the same size that I do, a respectable eight. But one day when she was a child her dad said something that impacted her for years.

We were hiking and she had climbed a tree. Kate was about eight or nine. She lifted her foot and set it on a branch. Her dad made what seemed like an innocent comment, “Hey Big Foot”. The rest is history. She computed that to mean that she had big feet.

Easter4 resizedI Believed I WAS Fat!

When I was about eight my grandma said something that impacted me for all of my childhood and many years into my adulthood. She owned a Sweet Shop in Afton, Wyoming. I loved going there and she would let me work the candy counter and bag popcorn.

We grandkids could have lots of nickel and penny candy but we were never allowed to have chocolate bars because they cost a quarter. One day, before I had all the unspoken rules down, I asked her if I could have a Twix bar. I had never had one and Don and I 3they seemed so wonderful up on the highest shelf. She said, “No, do you want to get fat.”

Another pretty innocent comment but here is what I heard and believed for many years…”You are fat”.

The TRUTH is I Have Beautiful Eyes!!!

Not only did I begin believing I was fat, I believed that I must be really unattractive because I was fat. But when I was seventeen I was at the home of a woman who was doing some alterations on a dress for me. Her husband told me that I had the most beautiful brown eyes. I know that it seems incredible because I didn’t even know the man, but I believed him. I had beautiful eyes! Even now at 65, when I look into the mirror I think to myself, “Man, you have beautiful eyes.”

Pigs or Pig Sty…That Was the Question

When I was a middle aged mom, with six of my seven children, I came down the stairs one day to the sight of a totally cluttered living room.  As I gazed out over the room and the many children playing there I said, “This room is a pig sty”. Many years later, when my oldest child was in her late thirties we were having a conversation about moms and how they should talk to their children. I made the comment that although I wasn’t perfect I at least never called anyone names. My daughter looked at me in astonishment and said, “yes you did”. I, equally astonished, asked her to tell me when. She replied, “Well, one day you came down the stairs and you said, “You are such pigs!”

Wow, talk about two different views of the same experience. We talked about it. What we both realized is that children hear what they hear and we just need to be careful what we say, because children don’t always hear the words…they hear the feeling.

It is not just children that hear a comment and then believe it. It isn’t just the young that are affected by what is said to them. Let me illustrate. I will have to tell on myself a bit, but for the sake of emphasis I will do it. : )

The SATISFYING Laugh, Ahhh!

My youngest daughter is married to a really  wonderful man. We like him a lot and frankly, he thinks we are great too. Recently I was talking to my daughter on the phone and she said something that made me laugh.

I have to stop here and say something about my laugh. It is distinctive and it can be loud. I have a witch laugh that is legendary and on Halloween I am called upon to do it a lot. Frequently, during the year, a grandchild will say, “Grandma do the witch laugh.” Now all of my laughter isn’t witchy but that just lets you know it is distinctive and sometimes loud. I have always been a bit self conscious about it.

tumblr_mf4oc2DhGW1qbta5fo1_500Back to the phone conversation. I laughed and I heard my son in law say something in the back ground. “Mom, Brady said he likes your laugh.” That was such an odd comment that I asked her “Why?” She asked him and then came back on line and said, “He said it is satisfying.” Isn’t that the most amazing thing to have someone say?

Here is what has happened from that chance comment. Every time I laugh I think to myself, “That is so satisfying.” I am no longer self conscious, but  pleased.

Our words can be very powerful for both good and bad. We need to be thoughtful in how we talk to our children and others, about their strengths and their weaknesses, because sometimes what we say can impact them for decades.

In all of our teaching and interactions with our children we should be kind.

In all of our teaching and interactions with our children we should be kind. Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years. The same is true of the off hand or unkind chance remark.

Before you speak ask yourself: “Is what I am about to say going to uplift the hearer? Will it inspire, motivate, and create forward momentum for them? Will it dissolve fear and create safety and trust? Will I create a positive or negative ripple effect by speaking out these words?” (from Harness the Power of Words By Barbara White)

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