Sparks Lead to Joy

by Mary Ann on August 6, 2010

Miles, age 8

On Wednesday evening I gave Part three of a four part webinar on The Spark Station. I had given out assignments the week before and had asked one couple to share their experience with the assignment. The mothers report turned out to be the highlight of the evening, in my opinion.

“Last week’s comment about “changing your attitude about kids” really hit me.  Mary said to look at them in a different light; like they aren’t just “work” or a “huge responsibility”, rather they are fun and have so much to offer.  In addition to really trying to work on being “present” this week, it seems that the “sparks” are coming to me with more ease and are more obvious. Instead of my boys sitting in Sunday interviews with us, saying “I don’t know” to every question we ask, they are starting to open up more.  But the real miracles happen when I/we as parents just “change our attitudes” about our kids.  I realize as I tried desperately to begin to change my attitude, that their ideas and play really are “sparks” and not just another big mess I have to clean up!

I should have seen this particular spark coming for a while with my oldest son Miles (age 8).  He loves rocks.  He loves gemstones. He loves crystals…you name it.  Rather than being a nag all the time and telling him to pick up his rock collection, I realized this is what Mary is talking about – it is a spark!  And geez – I can’t believe I didn’t realize it before – but these sparks really can turn into big burning flames and that is what I want for my kids, right?

After I realized I had a spark to go on, I wasn’t sure what to do next?  It started when Miles and I decided to come up with an

rock collection

organizing system for his rock collection.  We sorted and I ‘ooohhed’ and ‘awed’ at much of his collection while practicing being present. We went to the Clark Planetarium and really spent some time looking at rocks; particularly those on the moon’s surface and then meteorites.  As luck would have it, this past Friday while we were at the Drive In,  a shooting star (meteor) came burning into the sky and appeared to be as close as across the parking lot. That’s all we talked about all the way home.  We didn’t talk about the movie at all!  We began planning an adventure to see if we could catch a meteorite at the next meteor shower on Aug 12th!  It was so fun to see the excitement – not only in Miles but also in his little brothers and his friend who was with us – and now ME!  I was catching on fire too – so to speak.

We then watched a Bill Nye (science guy) video all about the earth, which sparked so many more thoughts.  We went on a nature hike to collect and view as many cool rocks as possible (which lead to patterns, and shapes and even statistics).  But the greatest thing for me is that we were able to bring all of these things we were learning together and direct them back to God (and for my school I want as much God application as possible).  I can’t ignore the fact that because our hearts had good intent, we went into this with prayer – asking for guidance, that these avenues are opening and our eyes are seeing more clearly

We have an appointment Thursday afternoon with our neighbor who is the LDS church’s geologist!  We get to come and ask questions, have him show us his rock collection and continue with more sparks!

Miles isn’t a very animated kid, so sometimes it is hard to know if we are even on the right track with him.  But all of this was reaffirmed last night at dinner.  We each go around the table and say one thing we are grateful for.  His cousins (who live with us right now) said little things like being grateful for the earth and for nature (so it seemed that they may have been picking up on some sparks too).  The big clincher was when Miles said he was grateful to have a neighbor who is a geologist who he can learn from!  Yea hoo!  We are on the right path – and it was all because of sparks!”

I have to tell you that that letter really warms my heart. I have written a couple of articles on the subject of “seeing with new eyes”. When we are raising children life can be so hectic. We can get so caught up in maintaining and keeping order that we forget to see our children. We miss their “sparks”.

If the term “sparks” is new for you then follow the link and read all about them. Basically, they are a comment or action made by a child that helps you know what they are interested in.

What changed for this mother? Her son had not changed. His rocks were still all over the place. What changed was the attitude of the mother. She looked at her son as a person and asked a simple question – “You really love your rocks don’t you?” His answer was no surprise. He did love his rocks, and gems and crystals and all things that belong to the earth. At eight years old he has found something that he wants to know more about. Once she could see past the rocks and the mess, to the son, she was able to respond to his “spark”. What happened then was pure magic!

What was the magic? It was joy. They began to experience joy together and as a family. Sometimes I think that we believe that joy happens when life is calm and good, when money is plentiful, when we are having fun. But true joy happens in the everydayness of relationships that matter. The relationship between this mother and son has taken on some magic and is tinged with joy.

There is more magic here too. It is magic when we hear, really hear what children say. They are amazing little people with thoughts, feelings, questions and desires that are different than those of adults. What a child says can be so enlightening, so entertaining and so thought provoking. It makes me think of my two year old grandson. One day he was marching around the living room saying “Stop that! Now I have to take that away. Stop that! Now I have to take that away.” Good grief! It gave his sweet mother a big reality check. Then a few nights later as he was going off to sleep he was repeating what he had heard his mother say over and over again, “Daddy loves you, daddy loves you, daddy loves you.”

In order for my daughter to hear, really hear, she had to see Jack as a person. She had to see past the huge mess that he was marching around in the living room. She had to see past the fact that it is bedtime and he needs to be quiet. Leah had to see past Mile’s rocks and their mess to hear her son, to hear that he is in love with the earth.

It is fun to watch a child “get” something new. I was watching my 5 month old granddaughter recently. I was really watching her. I was present with her. I was interested in what this little person was thinking about. She began to observe her hand. She was completely focused on it as if she had never seen it before and wanted to know all about it. She was fascinated with her fingers, their movement. Because I was “listening” to her I too began to think about the majesty of my own body, my own hands that can do so much for good. If I had only focused on her dirty diaper or her drooling mouth or her need for food I might have missed out on that remarkable “conversation”. Leah and her family experienced that “fun” as they watched Miles learn about meteorites right there in the Drive Inn parking lot.

Miles’s parents, his mentors, are uniquely able to direct, guide and help Miles to get the information that he wants. He is only a small boy. The resources at his disposal are far more limited than those of his parents. His neighbor hadn’t just moved in. Leah and her husband knew what his job was, what his knowledge entailed. They knew. But Miles wasn’t as able to approach the neighbor to have his needs met as they were able to approach him.

Miles needed a ride to the Planetarium. Maybe he didn’t even know what a planetarium was. His parents know more about meteorites than he does. They were able to engage their son in a “familiar conversation” about meteorites. As George Turnbull said “By familiar conversation, children’s curiosity may be roused much more effectually, and by it they may be taught a great deal more in a little time, than can possibly be done in the austere magisterial way of calling them to a lecture.” In short, a spontaneous conversation between parent and child teaches more than the best lecture. Miles has learned more about meteorites and rocks from a family outing and a conversation with his parents than he would ever learn, really learn, from a textbook or reams of worksheets.

Here is your assignment for the week. Just look at your children. See them not the spilled milk, the messy face, the unwashed hands, the cluttered bedroom. See them. Hear them. What are they saying? What are they “sparking” to you? Be a mentor and help them experience joy. Allow joy to enter your busy life as a parent and your relationships with your children. It will lighten your burden and help you carry the load.

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Don’t Quit. You Can Do This!

by Mary Ann on August 5, 2010

This year my mother was 80 years old or maybe 79. We aren’t really sure. She never had a birth certificate until many years after she was born. When my mother came into the world she was very premature. They lived in a small town in Wyoming called Etna. My grandmother had a doctor with her. He was a small town doctor and he was drunk. When he cut my mother free of the umbilical cord he plopped her on top of the dresser and said, “She won’t live.”  He never made out a birth certificate for the doomed baby.

NaVon Gardner Cazier Age 16

I can tell you that made my great grandmother bristle right up. “We’ll see about that”, was her response. She took that tiny little girl and put her in the warming drawer of the old wood burning stove. They laid my mother on newspapers and changed them when they were soiled. Her skin was so fragile that it would rub right off so she stayed naked on the paper for weeks. She has small scars on her ankles from where she was lifted to change the paper. Her grandfather could slip his ring right onto her ankle it was so small.

It took constant watching to keep the stove going night and day for a couple of months so that the warming drawer didn’t get to hot or too cold. It is a testament to my mother’s indomitable spirit that she lived and thrived and to my grandmother’s who believed she would.

Mom the baker

Life wasn’t easy for my mom. She brought nine healthy human beings into the world. She buried two sons, one at just 5 months old. She had to work hard all her life. She  moved many times. When I was 16 years old she worked to put my dad through college. She was a baker at Utah State University for over 20 years. She didn’t get to pursue her own dreams but made sure that we could pursue ours. She was a magnificent singer, even trying out for the Lawrence Welk show but what she decided to do with her life was raise us. I am forever grateful for that.

I want to tell you the most hilarious and moving story about my mom. It happened just last week. We had returned home from our annual family reunion. My Arizona sister stopped to spend a couple of days with mom. Now it’s important to the story that you know something about my mother, she LOVES birds. She has canaries, doves, quail, love birds, cockatiels, finches and more. Someone is always giving my mother a bird or two and she keeps them and raises them. Her back room is a bird Mecca.

She also has chickens. Yup, right off of Main Street in Logan, Utah she has a flock of hens and a couple of roosters. Recently someone asked her to take a BIG red rooster. She was glad to have him until she discovered that he crows all the time.  Not just in the AM but all the time. So she has had to keep him in the garage to keep her neighbors happy until she can find him a “farm” home. My mom named the big red bird Trumpet because he constantly trumpets the fact that he is here and alive! While my sister was there he got out.

My sister and my mom began chasing him around the yard and finally cornered him behind a bunch of bushes. They could just see him back there pacing back and forth, head bobbing on his long neck. My sister yelled, “Get him mom” and our 80 year old mother dove, I mean dove, into the bushes. She hit the ground on her knees and the bushes began shaking violently as my sister watched the bottoms of my mom’s shoes, open mouthed.

Then my mom emerged with that huge red rooster by the neck. She was grinning ear to ear. She tipped that bird over and grabbed him by the feet until he hung limp in her hands. Then she swung him up to her chest and hugged him like a small child, putting her cheek on his beak. He closed his eyes and nestled in. “We are friends” my mom said.

Can you even visualize the scene, my 80 year old mom diving to her knees into a bunch of bushes and wrestling that big rooster down? It is hysterical to think about and amazing at the same time. Here is that tiny baby, destined to die, who didn’t; who at 80 is an accomplished rooster wrestler!

My sister just lost her home. The last couple of years have been pretty tough financially for her family. She has been feeling a bit

80 years and living! June 18,2010

down. After seeing my mom do what she did my sister went out and bought a beautiful carved wooden rooster. “I’m going to put it in my kitchen,” she said. “When ever I think I can’t do something or handle something, I’m going to remember my 80 year old mother wrestling that rooster down. If she can do that I can do anything too.”

I am sharing this story with you because some of you are down. You are discouraged that your family culture isn’t all you would like it to be. You feel inadequate to parent or to educate your children. Maybe you are struggling with your marriage or with getting your own education or with your finances. Maybe your first attempt to create and use The Spark Station has been anything but stellar.

One of the pitfalls of doing anything worthwhile is the temptation to quit when it isn’t going as we planned or when we feel like we are failing. Don’t quit. Keep trying. Keep gaining more education about the family you want to create. Keep reading, talking with others and practicing. When you feel like you just can’t do it I hope you will think about that tiny baby destined to die, who wrestled a rooster down at 80. You can do this!

Post Script – I thought you all might like to know that Trumpet now has a new home, in a petting zoo. He is one happy bird! My mom made the young man who took Trumpet promise not to eat him. “Oh we wouldn’t” he said. “He’s too pretty to eat.” Now Trumpet can crow all he wants. He crows for all those who “keep on keeping on!”

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Places to Go – Master Inspire Plan Part II

by Mary Ann on August 3, 2010

When I was in my fifties and visiting my parents my father shared a dream with me that I don’t believe he had ever shared before. He wanted to take his whole family cross country, from coast to coast, on the train. Imagine. He had had that dream for many, many years. When he had nine children it would have been a much easier proposition than when he shared it with me. By then over 32 grandchildren had been added to his family. In all those years he had never let go of the dream but it stayed a dream. He never told anyone else or wrote it down or made a plan to bring it to pass. Just a few short years later my father passed away with his dream unrealized.

Some of you may be thinking, “Gee what a goofy dream”. I would have thought so too except for a memory I have of a train trip taken over fifty five years ago. When I was very small I rode the train to California with my mother and two sisters. Because I was so small I have only sketchy memories of that trip but it was impactful enough that my sisters and I have talked about it a few times as adults. I remember the excitement I felt getting on the train. I can still hear the clacketty clack, clacketty clack of the wheels on the track which did eventually lull us to sleep. I can still feel the seats on the backs of my legs and taste the huge gingerbread cookies, a gift from our grandmother. I can remember kneeling at the window and watching the world out side change as it passed by. It was a magical trip. I know my dad had traveled by train and I am sure he wanted his whole family to feel the magic of a train ride. I wish we had taken that ride all together, as a family. What fun!

The final part of the Master Inspire Plan that we are going to look at isPLACES TO GO. This is a list of places you would like to take your children for the purpose of rounding out their education and experience. You may want to include a wide variety of places such as climbing mountains, a survival trek or river rafting, visiting historical sites, or other countries. When you are considering your selections think about what plans you need to make to prepare your children to make the most of the experience. This could be through study, an orientation, a training program or The Spark Station.

When you compile your list you may already have places in mind that really resonate with you. As you live life other places and experiences will surface and trips will come up that weren’t planned way ahead. Let’s look at both scenarios.

Since our basic topic here is The Spark Station I will give an example using that tool and a very simple trip that a family might make. I live in Utah and one of the families that I worked with was making a trip to the Southern part of the state. They hadn’t planned it for a long time but the opportunity came up for them to go and so they decided to make the trip. They were enthusiastic to acquaint their children to more of the state in which they lived.

They knew a few months ahead that they would be making the trip and so we brain stormed some ideas that they could use in their Spark Station to inspire their children to take an interest in the trip and to learn new information.

This is the list of items that we came up with that, over time, could be placed into The Spark Station. There are also some attendant activities that those items could lead to.

1. A book on the high desert showing plants and animals. Plastic plants and animals can be included. Add a small plastic tub to create a mini high desert environment.

2. A box of minerals. A book on minerals so that they can be identified. A box frame could be added so that they could be mounted, identified and framed.

3. A book on crystals. Materials and directions for making crystals. A book on stalactites and stalagmites. Make or purchase some rock candy or sugar crystals.

4. Information and books on the gold rush. Possibly a book to read to the family from that era. You could purchase some fools gold and get some pie tins and pan for gold in a small plastic wading pool.

5. A book on cacti. Plants to make a cacti garden or small terrarium.

6. Books on erosion and how caves are formed. Information and pictures from the internet on caves in Utah. Identify which ones will be in the area you are traveling to. Materials to experiment with erosion.

7. Send for information on Utah from the state travel department.

8. Special notebooks to use as journals and to paste pictures into while on the trip. Post cards can be glued into the books. The journals can be started before the trip and include things that each child finds interesting while they are preparing for the trip.

9. Information on biking and hiking trails in the area you are going.

10. Find out about desert survival. Pretend your family is lost in the desert in your back yard and practice your skills.

11. Information on ancient Indian tribes in the area such as the Anasazi and the ice age Paolo Indians.

Anasazi Indians

Paiute Indians

12. Materials and directions to replicate Indian clothing, headdresses and war paint.

13. Clay to make ancient Indian dwellings.

14. Materials to try your hand at rock painting.

15. Information, books and pictures on other Indian tribes from So. Utah. Why not find a good book to read as a family about that tribe.

16. A book on flowers of the high desert and other places in Utah. Materials to make a cardboard flower press to take on the trip. A note book to be used as a nature journal where pressed flowers can be mounted and pictures of animals, flowers and other things can be drawn.

17. What museums are available?

18. Is fishing available and what fish can be caught.

19. Information or books on ancient lakes, ancient fish and fossils. The materials to make fossils.

20. Books and pictures of the Grand Canyon.

21. Information and books on “slot canyons and how they were formed.

22. Make a small covered wagon. Learn about pioneer life in So. Utah.

23. Cook a pioneer dinner in your back yard using a Dutch oven or other old time method.

24. Materials for sand painting.

petroglyph for kids

25. Materials for weaving. Find someone who can demonstrate how to clean, card and spin wool.

Mrs. Elwood at four corners monument

26. Find out how pottery was made. Make some pottery.

27. What ghost towns are in the area? How do ghost towns come to be?

28. Utah is a dinosaur mecca. Books on dinosaurs. Information on dinosaurs from Utah. Plan to visit a “dig.” Go to a dinosaur museum.

Of course in a few weeks or months you cannot possibly use all the ideas that have been presented. However, can you see what wonderful things your children can learn and do in preparation for just one family event? Learning can carry right on after the family has returned home so the fun and memories last longer.

Not every child will warm to every offering. That is the beauty of inspire not require. You offer a multitude of exciting possibilities from which they can choose. One child may not write at all in a journal but may sketch the entire trip. On a special trip my sister, who has a son who balks at writing in a journal, had him write the family letters to those back home. These became his journal.

One child may be fascinated with the gold rush and ghost towns while another may be interested in caves and minerals. It is a fabulous smorgasbord of inspiration to offer your core and love of learning children. Your scholar age children will want to be involved too.

The Niebergall Family

Now let’s look at a trip planned way in advance. My sister and her husband’s family were taking a trip to Germany where his ancestors are from. For over three years they planned the trip. They met all together a few times to talk about itinerary, their own genealogy as it related to Germany, what to see, where to stay, etc.

Each family set up a fund to save money. Their money came from a second job. Sometimes they would opt not to participate in another activity and instead save the money for the trip. They also had a change jar. All the family would put any change they got into the jar. These funds paid for souvenirs. It was a family affair to financially prepare and the kids were right on board with saving for it.

Karl and Nanette Niebergall

They researched places of interest, hotels, hostels, bed and breakfasts, museums, etc. The internet was used a lot. They studied thehistory of the area they were going to see. They studied the people, the weather, and the geography.

They researched their ancestors and found living relatives which they contacted. While in Germany they stayed with many of these relatives. Nanette said that that effort really made the trip wonderful. One of the reasons was that because of these connections they spent very little time in the tourist areas and lots of time in small German villages and towns where the welcome was amazing.

My sister, Nanette

Karl, her husband, sent away to Germany for information. They had time to look it over and do research on the best things to do, see and places to go. They learned some history and what would help them navigate a foreign country the best. They had one family member who brushed up on his German and my sister said that was really a life saver for everyone. When they went to Germany they were fully prepared.

I won’t make a list of all of the hundreds of possible inclusions that you could come up with for your Spark Station. By looking at the list for the Southern Utah trip you can see how it is done.

I mentioned in a previous article that when my daughter went to Europe with George Wythe College they prepared for over a year.

Kate in Europe

They met in a study group weekly, in person or via the net. There were books to read, people to research and places to find out about. They studied history, architecture, art, etc. When she finally got to Europe it was to be immersed in what she was already familiar with. It made the experience all the more meaningful and wonderful.

Your Master Inspire Plan is a way to take a dream, like my father’s train trip, and make it a reality like my sisters trip to Germany. Many of us have wonderful places we would like to take our children. Some we manage to do. However, many never happen because we have no plan.

I want to mention here that Nanette, my sister, has five sons. She and her husband had a list of places they wanted to take them. As the years went by they added to the list. Karl is a teacher and does not make a lot of money. Nanette was a stay at home mom until three of her sons were in high school. Yet they have taken their sons to see their church’s historical sights back east, have taken a cruise to Alaska, took their sons to Germany, San Francisco, camped along the Oregon coast, traveled the California coast, and went on another trip to the Redwood Forest. They have been in almost all of the states west of the Mississippi River. When they lived in Washington State they knew that it was a place that they wouldn’t live in long. So they planned and took many small trips around the state.

My husband and I commented many times, “How in the world do they do it?” We did not take our children on many trips. We went to reunions and to grandma’s. We just couldn’t see how Karl and Nanette did all that they did. Now I know. They had a plan. They wrote it down and put action to it. They turned their desires and dreams into reality. Anyone can do that. It is NEVER about money. It is always about intent.

So carefully consider where you want to take your children. What do you want them to experience? Write it on your Master Inspire Plan. Put dates on each item and start preparing to go. You can do this. You can provide wonderful opportunities for your children to learn and experience the world they live in.

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Core Cannon – Master Inspire Plan Part 10

by Mary Ann on July 31, 2010

Just a few years before my father died he and my mom compiled a cook book of recipes that had come from the pizza parlor they owned, “The Valley Villa”, which they gave each of  us for Christmas. This is what they had written on the cover: Family recipes from our Pizza Parlor-delicatessen known as “The House of Character Building” but better known as the “Torture Chamber”. It was in this “torture chamber” and others like it that all nine of their children learned the value of work, the necessity of giving a full days work for a full days pay, honesty, the need to do your best and that treating others with consideration was a must in life.

Don and my job in the "Torture Chamber"

My mother taught us to respect the earth and all living things. She loved flowers and to this day people are amazed that I know the names of so many. There is a home in Falls Valley with three tremendous willow trees in the back yard. Those trees started out as switches that my mother cut, put in a bucket of water until they had roots and then stuck in the ground. They are a legacy of her desire to steward and beautify her portion of earth.

My mother, the gardener and animal lover

Charles Gates Cazier and Mary Ann Martin helped settle Star Valley in Wyoming

I come from stalwart pioneer stock, those that crossed the wide oceans and then later crossed the plains. I believe that as parents we have a duty to transfer our hearts to our children. Those pioneers and my parents did a very good job of that.

What are your core cannon? What is in your heart that you want to transfer to your children’s hearts? In Leadership Education the core phase is about transferring heart, transferring core values to your children before they leave your home. “A good Core Phase naturally provides the foundation for a good life, a great Core Phase for a great life . . . ” (DeMille, Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning, 2008, 40).

Today we will consider another part of a good Master Inspire Plan, CORE CANNON. This is a written plan of what the spiritual education in your home will look like and what specific resources you would like to use to accomplish this.

“My mother understood the value of teaching her children about standards, values, and doctrine while they were young. While she was grateful to others who taught her children outside the home at either school or church, she recognized that parents are entrusted with the education of their children…

I used to think some days as I ran home from school that I was through learning for the day, but this illusion was quickly destroyed when I saw my mother standing at the door waiting for me. When we were young, we each had a desk in the kitchen where we could continue to be taught by her as she performed household duties and prepared supper. Times are very different today, but while times may change, a parent’s teaching must never be devalued. Many activities link the values of one generation to the next, but perhaps the most central of these activities is parents teaching children in the home. This is especially true when we consider the teaching of values, moral and ethical standards, and faith.

Parents must bring light and truth into their homes by one family prayer, one scripture study session, one family home evening, one book read aloud, one song, and one family meal at a time. They know that the influence of righteous, conscientious, persistent, daily parenting is among the most powerful and sustaining forces for good in the world. The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity, and their peace all find common roots in the teaching of children in the home.” L. Tom Perry, “Mothers Teaching Children in the Home,” Liahona, May 2010, 29–31

This section of your plan does not have to be long and difficult to write. Don’t be afraid to put down on paper what you want the core values of your family to be. Don’t be afraid to write down what it feels like to live in your home. Don’t be afraid to write down what kind of people you hope your children will become. This is an area where your  Family Mission Statement will come in handy. In your Mission Statement you have already thought out the values and family culture that you want to pass on to your children.

Although it is a personal subject I am going to show you that section of my plan. I am sharing it here because I want you to see that it doesn’t have to be hard to visualize or to write.

“Don and I have nightly prayer together. We hold hands and talk with Heavenly Father about each of our children and grandchildren. Don and I read the scriptures together each evening and have spiritual discussions often during the week. We attend the temple monthly. I write interesting and faith promoting letters to my grandchildren monthly and we share our testimonies and values with them whenever we have the opportunity. In fact we create opportunities to share. Because of these actions Don and I are very close

Don and I

and feel a more firm love towards each other. We are better able to fulfill our callings and we support one another in service to others. Our grandchildren are growing up happy in the gospel and firm in testimony. They love the Savior and desire to serve him. As Don and my love and faith have grown our adult children have begun to have a greater desire to have families and live the gospel.”

Take some time today to think about your feelings toward your own family. How do you want your family culture to feel? What values do you want your children to experience and live while they are in your home? What kind of character would you hope they develop? How would you like them to experience service to others? What spiritual values would you like to share with them? What do you hold dear in your heart that you can share with them? Write these core values down as a guide to you so that you will make it happen for them.

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