Family Relationships – Master Inspire Plan Part 9

by Mary Ann on July 30, 2010

My husband and I have raised a wonderful and large family of seven children. We had wonderful times with our children and times that weren’t so wonderful. We have some amazing traditions that our children still carry on in their homes that revolve around holidays, spiritual things, food, and activities. We are happy about how it has all turned out.

A gift of a trip, for our 39th wedding anniversary, from our children

However, as I look back there are areas that I wish Don and I would have talked about more. I wish we had had a plan. Frankly, for the most part we just flew by the seat of our pants. In certain situations the one with the strongest feelings at the time held sway. I don’t think that that is the best way to create and handle relationships, to create a family culture.

That is one reason that I like the idea of a Master Inspire Plan so much – it puts a couple in a position to have to verbalize their hopes, desires, dreams, wants and needs as it relates to a family and how that family works. If we don’t make time for these conversations many of them never happen and many others take place in the heat of the moment and the one with the strongest feelings holds sway, as was our case.

So lets add FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS to our Master Inspire Plan. This is a written plan of what you would like your family relationships to look like and what resources and structures you would like to use to create the environments that will nurture these vital relationships. You may wish to include a list of family traditions you wish to create and preserve.

My sisters and brother and me clowning around. We have fun relationships.

First we need to consider having a written visualization of how we would like our relationships within our family to look and more importantly, to feel. When you are having a private moment and thinking about your husband, wife or children what does it feel like? Is it what you want? What are the feelings you do want. Let me share that portion of my plan with you.

“Through scripture study and meditation I have found a place of peace in my life. Despite living in a busy time my heart and mind are not always rushing to the next thing. I enjoy everything more, listening to the sounds of life, breathing, and rest. Don and I like being together and make time for it. We make time for travel and adventures close to home so they happen often. When we are alone and have no children or grandchildren with us we read together in the evenings, sit on the porch and visit or listen to music. It is restful and rejuvenating.

We have developed some wonderful traditions with our grandchildren. When they are here we spend time sitting together cuddling and reading. We talk and listen to each other. We sing and play music. We are not always trying to fill each moment with “fun” but instead with joy. We sit down for meals together and talk about the day, the world, the past, the future. We share ideas. They are becoming thinkers. Our adult children have begun to join in the reading, music, talking and listening. We have found that our evenings are warm and peaceful and we love being together.”

Ashley, Aubrey, Elizabeth and Parker, our grandchildren

Is it pretty clear that the overriding feeling that comes through my statement is one of slowness, quiet, peace, and warmth. If you recall, the article on EXPERIENCES was filled with these same feelings as was the article on CORE CANNON. My RESOURCES were centered on creating activities to promote this feeling. That is because this is a feeling that I really want.

In our family we have had peaceful, warm and quiet moments but it hasn’t been the prevailing feeling in our family culture. I have mentioned before that I have been a fairly driven person, a real go getter. What I desire is a slower pace, less busy-ness, more quiet moments. If I had visualized that years ago I might have had more success creating that even with seven children.

The second part to consider are resources that might be required to accomplish the plans that you have outlined. What if you really need to improve your relationship with your twelve year old son? Suppose that he loves bowling. Then a resource you may need is a savings plan to be able to afford to join a league together. What if you and your husband really need some quiet time on a regular basis to keep your relationship from slipping? A possible resource could be a class taken together, or funds set aside for a weekly date, possibly a short trip. For me it was musical instruments in our home and a fund for a trip to Hawaii, which I will talk about later.

The third element to think about is structures that can help facilitate your vision of your family relationships. That might be groups, special friends or activities. It could be a class. It might be a weekly gathering of families to play together. Maybe you start a mom school or a youth group of some kind.

In order for the plan that my husband and I have laid out to work we have had to restructure our evenings. We have had to stop working right up to bed time. That isn’t easy for us! We needed to pick a book we both wanted to read together. As we enter our retirement years it is vital that we work at keeping our relationship whole, exciting, meaningful and not live “parallel lives” which happens so often. We are buying some instruments and now we have to learn to play them. When our children and grandchildren are here we have to make time  to be together, to eat together. We pick one special place to go but for the rest of the time we are prepared to play with them at home doing things that matter to us and hopefully to them.

So begin thinking about what you want your home and relationships to feel like. If it were perfect what would it be like? Write that down.  Don’t be afraid. What resources and structures will support the vision that you have created? Write them down. If you aim for the sun and hit the moon it will still have been a wonderful trip!

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Plans Not Just Dreams – Master Inspire Plan Part 8

by Mary Ann on July 27, 2010

This morning I was thinking about an experience that I had four years ago. My youngest daughter was involved with George Wythe University, going to summer programs centered on the Constitution. George Wythe is a unique place with a unique set of values. They propose to build men and women of virtue, wisdom, diplomacy and courage who inspire greatness in others and move the cause of liberty.

We are actually a George Wythe alumni family and it has been a part of my daughter’s life for many years. I graduated with a double bachelor’s degree in theology and education and a Masters degree in education. My oldest daughter graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Health Sciences and a Master’s degree in education.  So Kate being involved with George Wythe was just part of being in our family.

Every two years this university takes a large group of youth to Europe to study history. This group has some youth as young as fourteen right up through college age. Parents are welcome to tag along. The program is really tremendous for learning. All those taking the trip are put into groups of youth and adults who meet together once a week in the area where they live or via the internet. They have assignments every month. There are books to read, papers to write, videos to watch, colloquia to engage in. When these youth get to Europe they know the country, its history, art, architecture and people. Going to Europe with George Wythe University takes more than a plane ticket and food money!

Our Well Educated European Travelers!

Kate’s favorite place, Barcelona

At the time that the trip came up we had sold our  home in Montana, barely getting out with the mortgage paid. The market was very poor in 2004. We had spent a couple of years reestablishing ourselves in a new state, with new jobs. Times were tougher than they had previously been. This trip to Europe for a month was going to cost almost $4500 per person. YIKES!!! That was a fortune to us. That was almost 3 months of income for our family. But we really wanted her to be able to go. She really wanted to go and I wanted to go.

So we made a plan and wrote it down. She would go. In the back of all of our minds was the thought that I would go too. We had one year to raise the money. We determined that no money would come out of the household income and no debt would be incurred. It all had to be earned extra.

I have done baking and cake decorating professionally for over 45 years. So that became our main focus to raise the money. I taught my daughter and a couple of friends who were also going to Europe how to do simple cake decorating. Then at Valentine’s they sold small cakes to their friends at school, teachers and parents. Our home looked like a small bakery for days. We sold pies at Thanksgiving. We sold gingerbread and mince meat at Christmas. We made sugar eggs for Easter. We made cookies all the time. It was a lot of work.

45 years of sharing a talent with family and friends

Well we raised the needed funds for Kate to go to Europe for one whole month. She had an amazing experience that has impacted her life in many ways. It was worth all the work and time that it took.

There are two points that I want to make with this story. First I didn’t go to Europe. I knew that Kate was going and no matter what it took she would be there. I wrote it down and made a plan. I included her in the plan. She learned a lot.

I never wrote down that I would go. I didn’t really believe that I would go and so I didn’t. If I raised the money for her I know that I could have raised the money for me.

We all have many dreams for our families. We want to take them on special trips. Give them wonderful instruments to play or classes to take or businesses to run or a Spark Station that is spectacular. These are our dreams. However, many families never see even small dreams come to pass. We all say it’s about money but it NEVER is about money. It is about a decision made with belief. What we believe, commit to paper and act upon comes to pass. It stops being a dream and becomes a plan. When we put action to the plan we can expect success. Kate’s going to Europe was a plan with attendant action. My going was a dream!

Second, parents and families really do want to spend time together. They want to travel, camp, learn things, have new experiences, and enjoy one another. For the most part I am convinced that that is true. However, for many families that is also a dream. Parents work many hours to make a living. There is PTA, church assignments, neighbors to help, friends to talk with on the phone, cleaning to do, gardens to plant and reap, children to chase after and tend to, illness, depression, the internet, movies we can’t miss and the list goes on. For many families the dreams we have for being together stay just that, dreams.

It is difficult to keep our priorities in line. There is always a fire to put out somewhere. We spend much time in the thick of thin things. Time passes, children grow up and go away and we are left with dreams unrealized and regrets. Going to Europe with my daughter would have been a wonderful  experience, a true memory maker.

So let’s examine these two points in light of our Master Inspire Plan. I know that some of you have been saying to yourselves the last week or so, “Gee, get on with it. Write about something interesting!” You have not gotten a vision of the Master Inspire Plan and how it can impact what happens in your family, how it can impact your dreams for your family, how it can impact your time together. I want you to “GET IT”.

Sometimes it is hard to write down what we dream of because it is far more painful to face a dream not realized that we have committed to paper. So we keep them in our minds as wishes and hopes. Eventually as they aren’t realized we can just let them fade away. But once they have been shared with others and put on paper we are committed. There are a multitude of self help and success books centered on this topic.

The Master Inspire Plan is a place where you and your spouse can commit to paper what your real intent is for your family. You make decisions based on at least nine areas of your life and how you want them to look for your family. We have been taking one area at a time. I wanted you to see that it doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult. Pick a few choice books, places to go and experiences you want and then commit to them, write them down. Decide that you are going to do them, have them and be them!

To date we have talked about six areas of focus: experiences we want our children and family to have, organizational programs that we think matter and are important, adult skills we would like our children t o have, resources we need in our home to make it happen, the cultural literacy of our family and classics we want to introduce to our children.

I have asked you to make a short list in each of these areas. It doesn’t need to be an exhaustive list, just a short list. Maybe there are five classics that you want to make sure you read to your children. Maybe there are another five or six that you want on your library shelves for them to read to themselves. Maybe you only care that they can cook, keep a clean room and run a bank account by the time they leave home. Maybe the only organizations that matter to you are church and Scouting. Maybe you would just like to take the whole family to the Grand Canyon. GREAT! Write it down. Don’t compare your Master Inspire Plan to anyone else’s. Don’t put it off because your dreams aren’t lavish and weighty. Families who do a little are heads and tails above those who never get started.

We have three areas left to look at: God, Family relationships, and places to go. I will share some things that I found very intimidating to commit to paper. I will tell how it has been going for me. So make your lists, in a file on the computer or a notebook. Refer to them weekly or monthly. Keep them in mind and then act upon them. You will experience more familial and personal success if you do.

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Kit Controversy

by Mary Ann on July 26, 2010

I am going to take a break from the Master Inspire Plan to address an issue that parents have been asking me about – kits. Should you use them or not? I have listened to speakers and read some articles that say absolutely not. I don’t live in a black and white world although I did when I was a younger mom. Now I take my family, their needs, as well as my needs into consideration when making a decision about what is good when it comes to our education and learning. As Oliver DeMille has said, I am the expert in my home. You are the expert in your home. I am suggesting that you take the following information in and digest it. Think about it and then do what is right for your own family and your own Spark Station.

You are the expert in your home! You decide what to use for your children’s education

1. I don’t want you to fill your Spark Station with them. A kit can be a great thing and kids love them. The problem is in the fact that they come with directions which parents expect to be followed. There usually isn’t a lot of room for experimentation. Kits can work when parents let go of the outcome. A perfect bar of soap isn’t as important as mixing and experimenting and deciding what to do. Failure can sometimes be a great learning tool.

Kits can stifle creativity. For example paint by number is never going to be as effective in getting a child to think as a blank piece of paper and tubs of paint. The finished product may be more eye appealing with the paint by number but that isn’t the point, is it! We want some creativity, some thinking, some problem solving going on. However if you have a budding artist who wants a finished product that they can hang up with pride then a paint by number may just be the thing. Remember I said “may be” just the thing, that is a call you have to make because you know your child. A painting class might be a better use of your funds.

Also, some kits aren’t worth what you pay because the contents are skimpy and you can put them together more cost effectively yourself. So you have to really decide if the kit is worth the cost and if it will allow your child to expand knowledge and creativity.

One last comment, you as the parent need to let go of the cost of the kit. You can’t say, “I paid $15 for that kit and you aren’t going to ruin it.” If you can’t let go of the cost, don’t buy it. You also have to let go of the outcome. If you have to hover to make sure that it gets done “right” then kits are not a good choice for you.

2. Don’t abandon kits altogether. One of the items in the Spark station could be a telescope but suppose that you have a child that is just wild about putting things together. In that case a telescope kit might just be the perfect thing. I saw one on the internet for $14.00. What a great way to get a child started on experiencing some engineering. Of course if they are old enough then maybe they would rather make a telescope from scratch.

3. A lot of what we consider just play is actually science or math, etc. While I was doing research for my book I was astounded by the amazing and inexpensive kits that were offered for sale but even more astounded in what categories I found them. Let’s take chemistry for example. When I typed in Chemistry for Children I found a site which had all kinds of scientific equipment from professional to things for kindergartners. The kits listed in the section for Chemistry included: How to brew your own root beer, a Make your own chewing gum kit, cheese making, an elementary grade chemistry set, perfume kit, soap making, a candy factory, and creative cosmetics. Isn’t that amazing?

A kit might get your child involved in something that will move them beyond the kit to further experimentation. Let’s say that your daughter is all about hair and makeup. Let’s say that she is twelve and can’t keep a thought in her head that isn’t about boys, friends or how she looks. You are ready to go nuts because you can’t get her interested in reading or anything of value. But you remember that inspire and not require is important not just in education but in your relationship with your daughter.

So you add a cosmetics or perfume kit to the Spark Station without saying anything. Maybe she misses it for a few days because she is sulking and won’t really get anything out of The Spark Station. Then her younger sister spies it and begins to inspect the contents. The next thing you know your twelve-year old is helping her read the directions and they are off.

At the local heath food store or nearest book store or library you have picked up a book on herbs, medicines and home made items that includes make up, hand lotion, potpourri and perfume. It is available in The Spark Station or on the coffee table. That just might extend her interest beyond the kit.

It is always good to remember that the above scenario is what we want to have happen, what we hope happens,  that our children will move from interest to a desire to know more. Remember that once The Spark Station door is opened you have to walk away from it emotionally and let your children do their thing. She might not use the kit. So you will have to keep adding things, thinking and praying until she does find something that sparks her interest. It is after all, about her educating herself, when she is ready.

4. Another thing to remember is that you can get great ideas for your Spark Station by looking at kits. What would you need to have on hand to do certain projects without buying a kit? Take a terrarium for example. One week you could add containers, a bag of dirt and some plants to The Spark Station. Put them in when no one is looking. I am absolutely sure your kids will figure out something to do with the plants. Maybe they will ask for a suggestion and you can show them a terrarium because there will be a book in The Spark Station that tells all about them! This could lead to a discussion of biospheres and ecosystems.

Kit Possibilities to buy or put together yourself

  • brew your own root beer
  • telescope
  • pocket microscope or telescope
  • ant habitat
  • terrarium kit
  • solar system
  • robot kit
  • solar powered car
  • electro magnet kit
  • plasma ball
  • static electricity ball
  • perfume kit
  • dissecting kit (did you know that you can
  • elementary chemistry set
  • buy a frog to dissect for about $5.00.
  • bath salts kit
  • soap making
  • candle making
  • cosmetics kit
  • color mixing lab
  • candy factory (your kitchen is just one huge kit!)
  • magnetic levitation kit
  • battery kit
  • human powered light bulb
  • crystal growing kit
  • camera making kit
  • radio kit
  • telegraph kit
  • clock kit
  • barometer kit
  • electronics kit
  • kaleidoscope kit
  • construction kits that use straws, pennies, magnets etc.

As you can see the possibilities of what can go into your Spark Station are practically endless. You, like me, may just want to dash out and get it all. I mean really, it is so exciting isn’t it. That is the same excitement we want our children to feel when it is “school time”, “family learning time’, or “yea I’m at grandma’s time”. However, remember the space that you have set aside and don’t go overboard. This is rule four of the Five Rules of Engagement. Also remember that you want to rotate your items frequently to keep The Spark Station fresh and interesting. So add to it a little at a time. When you add something new, take something out. That way you don’t need to totally redo the contents all at once. It is important to keep the management of The Spark Station simple so that no one is overwhelmed and we keep it going long term.

Using The Spark Station in this manner allows parents to exert influence on the content of our children’s activities without crossing the line of structuring content. If we’d like to introduce our children to biology, for example, we can add items to The Spark Station on that subject. Because of the interesting and engaging nature of the system we are using they will be more likely to engage than if we told them we wanted to teach them about biology. We don’t require our children to engage, the items are just there and the system increases the likelihood that they will be used. The object of the tool, The Spark Station, is to help us structure time, not content and to inspire not require.

P.S. I found the coolest site on the web called Connor’s Kits for Kids. Here is what is cool. It is a company run by a kid named Connor to create science kits for kids that they can buy with allowance money, read the directions and have their questions about why something does something answered. I just thought that Connor was an amazing kid! Connor started his company in fourth grade, in 2004. He just wanted kids to enjoy science and know that it was for everyone. See this young teacher in action.

Why not let your kids make their own kit. Why not help them make a kit or two for Christmas or Birthday presents for friends and family. Why not?

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Adult Skills – Master Inspire Plan Part 7

by Mary Ann on July 23, 2010

I came from a very entrepreneurial family. My father loved setting up businesses. He had a remarkable work ethic which he got from his father and mother who got it from their pioneer mothers and fathers. When my dad was just nineteen he began his first business. He opened the Cazier’s Sweet Shop next to the theater in Afton, Wyoming. In those days they didn’t sell any food in the theater. So kids would visit the Sweet Shop before the movie and youth on dates would take a booth after the movie. My dad wanted all of us to learn to work, he wanted us to have jobs, he wanted us to create work for others.

My Dad, the entrepreneur, Verl Cazier

When I was in fifth grade we owned a drive in in Idaho Falls called the Thunder Bird. I was eleven years old and I remember having to go to the drive in, especially on weekends, and peel potatoes and make them into fries. YUCK. It wasn’t a job that I relished at all but I and my younger sister had that job. From age eleven on I worked in my dad’s café’s, drive inns and restaurants in all the places we lived. He made sure that we knew what to do and how to do it without being told. If he caught you just standing around you would feel the sting of his deadly aim with a dish cloth on the back of your legs. He believed that there was always something to fill, clean or organize.

All of my brothers, sisters and I were able to move up the management ladder quickly when we began having jobs outside of our family because we were independent workers. What we weren’t all that keen on during our youth has paid us dividends all our lives and has been passed on to our own children.

When my brotherDirk was  thirteen years old he wanted a couple of rabbits. Soon our entire backyard was filled with rabbit pens and he had a thriving business selling rabbits as pets and food. Whether he wanted a business or not he got one! My dad had never heard about “inspire not require.”

If you want your child to be able to lead a group what can you provide that will give them that experience. My youngest daughter was a bit shy about leading out and I wanted her to have more leadership opportunities so that she could have a greater impact in her family and community. I wanted her to trust her own ability more. So I gave her the opportunity to participate in a mock trial and at a couple of continental congresses. They were hard for her at first. She came home from her first continental congress discourgaged with herself because she hadn’t been bave enough to stand up and make a statement when she knew that her idea could make a difference. In time that changed and she began finding a voice and her courage.  Those early opportunities really changed her life.

When she was sixteen she decided to go back to public school to be a cheer leader. She had wanted to be one since she was six and it was a dream that just wouldn’t die. She had never had gymnastics or tumbling and was totally unprepaired to be a cheerleader. That first year she didn’t have the courage to try out and opted for pep club instead. By the time she found the courage she was facing her Senior year and had never been a cheer leader. Her chances of making the squad were very slim. That’s when those old experiences kicked in for her.  She called around and hired a mentor from Brigham Young University and one from Utah State University to teach her what she needed to know. She paid their fees and got herself to her practices with them. She made the squad and I account part of that chutzpah to the leadership opportunities that she had had earlier.

Kate

I follow the agricultural exploits of Stephen Palmer and his family on Facebook. Gardening is a family affair. They want all their children to have the experience of reverencing the earth, planting and harvesting.

Stephen Palmer

Stephen Palmer's Wonderful Garden

I I have another friend who makes sure that all her children have the opportunity to learn how to preserve and store food. It is part of their family culture and legacy. Another mother has made sure that all of her children have had the experience of making and selling bread to friends and neighbors. She wanted them to be able to bake and to have a business.

As you may have surmised, the portion of your Master Inspire Plan that we are considering today is ADULT SKILLS. What are the skills you would like your children to have before they leave your home? What experiences can you help provide that will allow them to gain these skills?

Here is a list  that you might want to consider when making a list of the things that you would like your children to experience.

Lead a group

Speak in public

Perform music-solo and group

Dance

Be in a play

Lead and participate in colloquia (book group)

Know how to use parliamentary procedure

Create and run a successful small business

Have a job

Having a savings account and manage money

Make purchases by themselves

Teach others something they are good at or know about

Have experience with our political process in some way

Learn to swim

Learn to ski

Surf

Plant a garden

Can fruit

Give significant service to another person

Fly

Sail

This should get you thinking. Sometimes just pondering the experiences that you had as an adult and wished you had in your youth will help you with your list. Thinking about what you still haven’t had a chance to do that you wish you had or could do will help you with your list. Don’t forget to pay attention to “sparks” from your children. What signals are coming from them concerning experiences they would like to have? Then you search out opportunities and groups that can give your children those experiences.

My Master Inspire Plan will be quite different than most of yours. I am writing it in relation to what I want for Don and I in the next year or two and what we would like our grandchildren to experience. You will write yours, for the most part, based on what you want your children to experience.

Here is what I put  on my list.

Playing music as a family

Singing as a family

Family reading time

Sing a solo

Speak to a large audience

You may remember that in my article on resources I had quite a few musical instruments that I wanted to have on had because I want my family to make music together. So of course in my experiences list I have playing and signing music as a family. This is something we have rarely done and I know that it will really add a choice dimension to our relationships.

I adore books! I read all the time and I always have. I taught myself to read at about five by reading  labels in the bathroom. I did read to my children when they were young but I wasn’t very consistent about it. I notice that my children read to their children but they aren’t consistent either. What I want my grandchildren and my adult children to experience is the warm comfort of snuggling together for an evening of reading when they are with us.

I have sung in a choir all my life but I really want to sing a solo just once. I don’t have a solo voice, just a nice voice, but I want to do it, just once. I have also been successfully speaking all my life in church and to gatherings of one hundred or less in many venues but I want to speak to a really large audience. Audacious of me isn’t it. Oh well, we must have our confessed and written down dreams and this is mine!

So think about your youth.  What experiences did you miss that you wish you had. Think about your early adult life. What did you have to experience for the first time that you wish you had experienced earlier. What experiences have you had in your life that you really want to share with your children. Listen to your children. Now make your list.

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