I Don’t Run!

by Mary Ann on August 11, 2010

I DON”T run. I have chanted this litany for most of my life. Oh, I have had a few running dreams that were exhilarating but in real life, I don’t run; that is until lately!

I have a blood condition that has plagued me for over fifteen years. I’ve never had a diagnosis until a couple of years ago. No known cause, no known cure. I could take some medications that might mess up my liver or my kidneys and would most certainly depress my immune system. That means blood work every three weeks. YIKES!

Well, I have taken matters into my own hands. I determined that I would find an answer this year because I believe that any situation can be made better. I found a couple of doctors willing to work just a bit harder with me. Unfortunately, their recommendation were changing how I eat and exercise. That was certainly not happy news.

The food thing has been tough. It is the extra thinking about food that I don’t like. Just making new decisions and finding new recipes and preparing foods in new ways is such a bother. And then there is the running! I chose running because it is cheap and can be done on my own block, in a short amount of time. But I really hate running!

However, I am really determined to find a reasonable solution to my situation. So running it is. It works this way: I walk the length of three houses and then I run the length of four. Then I repeat the pattern. Not too bad, right. Not right! It has been a killer. My legs were so sore the second and third day that I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it from the bedroom to the bathroom.

Right away my latent asthma started acting up. I didn’t really have time in the length of three houses to get my breath back. Then I needed to run again. Also, I was tired. After all, with my schedule, I had to run at 7am which meant I had to get up even earlier than that. Then there were the shin splints, really bad shin splints and my legs were so sore right where they connect to my torso. The back of my throat was dry and it was difficult and sometimes painful to swallow as I ran. Not to mention, that I looked and felt like a tank lumbering around our block. There was no grace whatsoever in my efforts to run. I am telling you it was miserable and not any fun!

Now I have a friend, Tara, who runs. She runs around the block with her dogs. She runs in marathons. She is a running fool and most of the time I mean that – running FOOL! She says that it is wonderful. It is liberating and invigorating. It relieves her stress. She runs because it clears her head and makes her feel better. It wasn’t making me feel better. It wasn’t working for me. I was very tempted to think that running would work for anyone but me. After all, I am no runner. It just isn’t in me. No one in my family runs or ever has. I don’t come from that type of family. We aren’t physical in any way.

Every day I want to quit! Every day! But I have really committed to health and so I just can’t quit. I have, however been looking at why it is so hard and why I want to quit.

The first day that I ran I just got up, stepped out the door and began to run. I didn’t stretch, I didn’t wear good shoes. The result was shin splints and sore legs. I didn’t drink any water before I left and I didn’t take any with me. I had gone to bed late, after midnight. Unfortunately that is a bad habit of mine. I have gone many years without any regular exercise. I have been too busy. We can add to this, the fact that I haven’t paid much attention to my eating or my weight. Hence the feeling of being a Mac truck lumbering around the block.

I ran for a couple of days before I started analyzing the situation. I thought about it a lot. I finally began piecing together what was

wrong. First I had a bad attitude. I was sure I hated running. I believed that I couldn’t run because of my family of origin, that I was 60 and overweight. I didn’t prepare to run. I didn’t have the proper equipment. I didn’t follow the rules which would have led to a more successful running experience. I didn’t get proper rest, drink enough water or eat well. I hadn’t set a time to exercise in the past and so of course there never was any time.

I want to relate this to your family and your Spark Station experience. Any time we begin something new it will take time to adjust. There will be false starts and less than perfect outcomes. We have to keep at it. We can’t quit. Eventually we have to look at our behaviors and attitudes and determine what needs to change. We have to learn the rules of success and follow them.

I get very interesting letters from parents. Some believe that they won’t ever be able to have a peaceful and warm family culture because they come from contentious, emotionally distant or broken homes. Some feel they are not cut out to be parents. Others are just too busy or they can’t figure out how to solve whatever problems they perceive that they have. Some are sure that their poor beginning efforts mean that it won’t ever come together in success. There are those who argue with one or more of the Five Rules of Engagement. They believe that they are negotiable, that they don’t all apply to them. Some families think that they just can’t find the time or that they can’t afford the equipment. Can you see the relationship to my running experience?

I want you to know that I have persevered. I have changed my ways. I am running consistently. I make an effort to eat better, drink enough water and get enough rest. I have set a firm time for running every day. I stretch and warm up a bit. I wear decent shoes which I found right in my closet. (Hmmm does Treasure Hunt Your House come to mind!) I have begun to believe that I can run. After all I have been doing it for some time even though the results haven’t always been what I hoped.

Today I still felt ungraceful as I ran but I could breathe. I wasn’t tired because I went to bed on time. I had some water before I left. I wore my good shoes. I didn’t argue with myself about getting up. I didn’t argue with myself that I had too much to do today to run – a blog to write, a presentation to finish for tonight… I have set a firm time to run. I run every day! When I am running I focus on how it feels. I smell the air. I enjoy the morning. I don’t think about all the other things I have to do. I don’t worry. I am present. It is stress relieving!

Today when I got to house four I kept running to house five. I think that I might even be able to run to house six tomorrow. I can envision running all the way around the block. I might even run a marathon someday. I don’t have to love running. I just have to run, every day, keeping the rules that make it work for me.

As for my health, my blood condition, I don’t know how that is going to work out. I do know that I am giving it the best shot I can. That is what you need to do in your families. Give it the best shot you can. Change how you think and perceive your family culture. Believe that you can create a great family. Work on learning and assimilating the rules of success. And then don’t quit! You can do this!!!

Possibly Related Posts:


{ 2 comments }

Model What You Want

by Mary Ann on August 10, 2010

On Sunday as we were singing a hymn in church I heard my mother’s voice coming out of my mouth! We were singing a hymn that I have heard her sing and I sounded just like my mother. It startled me. I have noticed that lately I am wearing my mother’s clothes, those cute little suits with the ruffled jackets! Sometimes when I look in the mirror I am startled to see my mother standing there. Frequently when I answer the phone I hear my mother say Hello; it is me answering but it is my mother’s voice.

It is amazing to me how much like my mother I am. In fact I am a lot like my father too. I have the same droopy right eye, the same heavy brows, and the same entrepreneurial personality.

When we are young we think that we are going to grow up and be different than our parents. We aren’t going to discipline like they do. We aren’t going to waste our time on the stuff they waste theirs on. We aren’t going to live boring lives like they did. We are going to be different!

Then the amazing happens and we find that we are like our parents in more ways than we want to admit. How does that happen?

Of course after singing just like my mother on Sunday I got to thinking about the importance of being whom and what we want ourchildren to be. I though about how important it is to model the behavior that we want our children to emulate because emulate us they will, sooner or later. I thought again about how important a great Core Phase is.

I remember my daughter telling about Jack, her two year old. “Sometimes, as a parent, we’re handed opportunities for self-evaluation on a sliver platter. I was handed such a dish the other day when I caught my two-year old son marching around the living room chanting, “Stop that! Now I have to take that away. Stop that! Now I have to take that away.” Good grief!

I’m happy to contrast that little ditty with something he was muttering in my ear a few nights ago as I was putting him to sleep. “Daddy loves you, daddy loves you, daddy loves you.”

It is absolutely true that who we are and how we behave is what are children are learning. That is why it is so important to pay attention to the early years in our child’s life.

As we think about children ages 0 through about 12,  it is important to remember that they learn more by what we are, the environment we create and the feelings that surround them than through the things we are teaching or the activities they are engaging in.

I have been re-reading the seven keys and a couple of them stand out in relation to this idea of modeling what we want from our children. Key three is “inspire, not require.” We usually think of this in relation to getting our kids to learn something academic but it relates equally well to getting them to be someone of character. As we live a life of goodness, service, charity and love they will hopefully be inspired to live that kind of life as well.

Key seven is “you, not them”. This is usually talked about in relation to our getting an education first so that our children will be inspired to get one as well. I think it goes way beyond just studying, reading and writing. If we want honest children then we have to be honest. If we want kind, loving children then we must be that first. If we want our children to be patient, to speak in a calm voice then that is how we have to treat them.

I had a very unhappy experience today. I have a very loving and kind man for a husband. Today after I returned home from work I sat down to re-do a presentation that I am giving on Wednesday. I am feeling a bit stressed about it. I had prepared the presentation and power point in advance but at the last minute decided to change it. I have to redo it all today. I don’t want to be working on it up until the presentation itself.

I had just begun to work when my newly married daughter arrived. She headed into the office to look for some paperwork. She was back at my side in just a couple of minutes to say, “Mom, dad said to tell you to save what you are working on. The Internet is going down.” I knew that he had been talking to the Quest technician about making some changes in the office.

I was instantly angry, far angrier than the situation deserved. I marched into the office and began yelling at my good husband for not thinking about me and the job that was ahead of me. Then I noticed he was still on the phone talking with the technician. Uhoh!

I stormed out of the office, back to my computer and sat fuming and feeling like a big fool, at the same time. I tried to determine what I was so angry about. I hadn’t even stoped to find out how long the Internet would be down. Worse yet, I had lost my temper, in an ugly way, in front of my daughter.

In about five minutes my husband came into the kitchen and said that the Internet was up. Then he quietly left the house. My daughter came in to say goodbye too. I said to Kate, “I’m sorry I yelled in front of you. Don’t ever yell at your husband like that. I don’t think dad has ever yelled at me like that”. She said it was Ok and gave me a hug.

I don’t feel any better. My husband is still out there somewhere feeling bad and humiliated. My daughter has just had a very poor example of how to handle anger and frustration. She may yell like that at her husband at some time and if she does she will hear my voice coming out of her mouth.

As we prepare to gear up for a new “school” season I hope you will think deeply on the needs of our children to have good examples, good mentors, and patient parents. I hope that we will put kindness, consideration, patience, honesty, dealing well with trouble and stress right up there with reading, writing and math. I hope we will all think deeply about what a good Core Phase really is. It isn’t school, it isn’t The Spark Station, and it isn’t a grade. It is spending time with our families leaning right and wrong, good and bad, true and false, all about relationships, family values, family identity, family routines and responsibilities, accountability and the value of work and play.

There are some questions we can ponder that will assist us to stay on track with good core phase learning. Think about these questions today. If my child could do or know only one thing, what would it be? What is the second most important value you would want your child to internalize? As we honestly prioritize those values and skills that we want to instill in our children we will see great strides in their education and in the peacefulness of the family and home.

Post Script – My husband came home and frankly forgave me. No recriminations, no turning the knife. As I said he is a good man.

Possibly Related Posts:


{ 0 comments }

Asking the Right Questions

by Mary Ann on August 9, 2010

Wendy Watson Nelson

Wendy Watson Nelson is a “creative” cook. In other words she doesn’t use a recipe and is willing to make combinations of foods and spices that others wouldn’t even try. Sometimes her concoctions seem very strange. Her husband could ask her, “Honey, what is this.” Instead he wisely and tactfully asks, “Now honey, if I were at a restaurant and wanted to order this what would we call it?” Wendy used this story in her book Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. I heard about Wendy and her book from a friend who recently told me all about it. Here is what Wendy had to say on her Facebook page about the importance of asking the right questions in life.

“The questions we ask ourselves, others and the Lord significantly influence the kind of lives we create. Questions are powerful. They can motivate or they can demoralize. They can increase our ability to solve problems or they can make situations worse. Some questions actually become the problem while other questions bring about change when everything else has failed.”

I find that a very intriguing statement about the power of questions. I think this is a principle which can apply in any situation.

As parents who are trying to create warm, inviting, enlightening family cultures and raise children of good character, who love people, the world and learning, we can find ourselves discouraged with what we perceive as our lack of progress. We ask questions such as why am I so…, why does he/she always…, why doesn’t he/she ever…, I wonder why I’m so bad at…

What if we changed the questions we ask to something like this, how can this situation benefit me? What growth can come out of what is happening? How can I see this differently? In what ways do I need to change or grow? What am I not understanding? The energy from questions such as these is powerful. They motivate us to move forward, to change, and to grow. They increase the likelihood that we will find answers and make changes.

Instead of “Why am I such a poor mother we might ask “What are my strengths. Who do I know that can help me with my weaknesses?”  Instead of asking “Why am I such a poor father we could ask, “How can I structure my time so that I can be with my family more?”

When we are thinking about our parenting efforts, the feeling in our home or how our children love or don’t love learning we begin to ask lots of questions. Frequently they dwell on our children. Why is he so messy? Why won’t she read? What is wrong with his attitude? Why can’t they see how important this is? How can I get her interested in Math.?

I believe that these may be the wrong questions. I want to refer to a story I told only a few days ago. My friend Leah was thinking and asking why her son was so messy. He had his rocks all over the place all the time. Then she asked a different question. She asked her son “Do you love your rocks.” He answered that he did and she and her children were off on a fabulous learning adventure that has brought great joy to all of them. The rocks are no longer a “mess” to Leah and her son is no longer just “messy”. Asking the right question changed how she saw her son’s rocks and how she saw her son.

Instead of why won’t she read or how can I get her to read we might ask what I can read to her. What stories did I love as a girl? What can I read to her that I know she is interested in? How can I share my love of reading with her? Can you feel how just this little change in the question can dynamically impact a relationship between a parent and a child?

Instead of what is wrong with his attitude we might ask what I am missing here. What am I not understanding? Does my attitude need an adjustment? How can I reach out in love? What is the end result I am seeking in our relationship?

Instead of how can I get her interested in Math we should ask how can I inspire her to want to know more about math.

Do you see that the better questions, those that can lead to resolution, stronger relationships and greater understanding and joy all point inward to ourselves. This week pay attention to the questions that you ask yourself. If you find yourself asking a question that lacks the power to motivate you or increase your ability to solve a problem reword it. Formulate your questions and write them down so that you can visually see them. Make sure they are the “right” questions.

Possibly Related Posts:


{ 0 comments }

Practice Being Present

by Mary Ann on August 7, 2010

I want to tell you how my day went Thursday. Actually let me begin the story on Wednesday evening. I took out a pad and wrote down my schedule for Thursday. It was full. I had a couple of doctor’s appointments and a meeting with a friend, my regular work, an article to write and post and a few other sundry items. About fifteen minutes after I finished the list one of my daughters called. She had a presentation to do Thursday night and said, “Mom I hate to bother you but I really need some help. I just need a couple of hours to finish this presentation and I just can’t get anything done with the kids.” YIKES!!! I really wanted to help but I had a FULL day coming up. So I did what any good mother would, I rearranged my schedule!

Jodie, Maggie, Mary and Jack

Now don’t inundate me with letters about how we need our own space and how we have to take care of ourselves and on and on. My daughter had asked for help which she really needed and which she doesn’t ask for often. I wanted to help her. I know what it feels like to be over the top and not see how you can do all you have to do. So I rearranged my schedule. I cancelled one doctor’s appointment, set the other for earlier in the day and changed my appointment with the friend. The article could wait till later that night.

Thursday morning I rushed off to work with the days plan in my head. I called my daughter and told her I would be there by about 2:30 because my doctor appointment was earlier. I could hear the relief in her voice.

Work went fine. Then off to the doctor which is a forty five minute drive. They drew my blood and then I sat there…right up to the time of my previously scheduled appointment at 2:30. Double yikes. By the time I got to my

Jack and his baby

daughters home it was four fifteen and I was feeling rushed and stressed. I grabbed the kids, plopped them in the stroller, gave Jack his “baby to push” and off we went. I could at least give her an hour and a half.

Because Jodie needed to take the baby with her to her presentation we just walked around their block over and over again so that she could find us when she needed to go! Shortly after that her husband would be home and I could get on with the day. My mind was so busy. I kept thinking about the article I needed to write and post knowing that it was going to take a few hours. I was thinking about the other assignments I had before I could end the day. I kept saying to Jack, “Come on Jack. Let’s go”. I wanted him to keep up with my busy mind even though I knew in the back of it that I wouldn’t be getting to any of those other things until the hour and a half had passed. It was as though if we just moved a bit faster the time would go faster and I could get to all the “other stuff” I had to do.

Gee, hasn’t that been the subject of many an article by me? I surely wasn’t present. I wasn’t hearing Jack or seeing Maggie or having any conversations of any kind. So I STOPPED! I pulled my mind back from its preoccupation and its business. I slowed down. I said to Jack, “Hey, you are the leader.” Then we followed him. We went up driveways, went forward and then turned back, we explored the alley. Sometimes we would just stop and stand there waiting. Once I said, “Jack, what are we waiting for?” “Cars”, was his reply.

He stopped by a beautiful flowering plant with magenta blooms. He bent down and sniffed it. I turned around to look at Mary and Maggie and then back to Jack. He was catching up to me carrying a blossom in his small fist. “For Maggie”, he said. I was touched by the fact that at two he knew that his sister couldn’t smell the flower without his help.

We had a wonderful, long, meandering walk. We saw bugs, ants, flowers, birds, grapes about to be ripe, and leaves, lots of leaves! It was restful, peaceful. Jack and Maggie heard the names of flowers from their grandma. Some of them they will remember. It was a glorious time.

It takes effort to “be present”. It is work for adults who are so busy and preoccupied with the world and its worries, pressures and must dos. However, the rewards for both children and adults when we make the effort, is joy, peace, warmth and strengthened relationships.

Tomorrow pick a time or event in your family and practice being present. It’s like riding a bike, the more we practice the better we get.

Possibly Related Posts:


{ 3 comments }

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →